i couldnt sleep yet again. which night had it been since i could have a proper rest? i have totally lost count. tried countless ways but none seem to help.

was taking out a few photos and videos from the past when i was really young. And guess what I realise, i was and still am hot tempered. hahaha.. no doubt the temper has decreased slightly over the past few years but i am still me. the one that like things to be done my way, my style. hahaa.. i always hated to lose, hated to be out of control, loved to be pampered and loved to have fun.

i missed the times when something so small like practicing the violin or singing my song on the radio would make me so happy. i miss those times when i would just be happy over the little stuff. although time has changed. as you grow older you tend to have more responsibilites and more roles that you are suppose to take on, be it a mother, wife, spouse, friend, etc. i believe that you should still continue to be happy over the small stuff.. ultimately, who doesnt wish to be happy? everyone does and everyone deserves to be happy. so be it learning a new dish or a new language or just simply losing weight you should just be happy. Reason is simple because all these proves your significance in the world. Isnt that what everyone is living in this world for? To be recognised by someone.

When i looked at myself at 3 yrs old or 8 yrs old i finally realised the meaning of ignorance is bliss. when you dont know the reality you feel more happy and less stress. but being blinded doesnt necessarily mean its good. If given a choice now, i will still choose to be in my own innocent world where nothing can hurt me and just be happy.

I guess after so many changes in my life, i realise the thing i want the most and need the most is happiness. And that is something that no one can give me except for myself. Everyone can try to make me happy but in the end will i be happy is another matter. I have learn to look at things less significantly, im not saying that im not serious about life. I am, its just i learn to take things easy.

But the happiest thing that I am feeling now is how much i have grown in regards to how people view me. People can view me in one thousand million ways but i should not let that affect me, because as long as i like the way im viewing myself that's all it matters. selfish? yes i am. but that's just life, you cant please everyone. that's not what life should be.. life should be doing things that make you happy.. like my mum, i always disliked the fact that she would stay overseas and leave me with my dad n bro. but this time round when i see how happy she is to stay in the temple and just chant throughout the day, i cant help but to feel happy for her.

she told me yesterday that her shifu asked her to call me.. to check up on me.. it felt as if the gods were really hearing my prayers and sending someone to help me.. do gods really exist? i dont know but all i know is i just believe in myself. because my life is in nobody's hands except for mine.

these are some quotes from John F Kennedy which i would like to share.

- Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certainly to miss the future

- Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names

- Once you say you're going to settle for second, that's what happens to you in life

- Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. And man can be as big as he wants. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings.

therefore i end it with your fate is in your own hands.