i'm just a simple girl living in this not so simple world. Nothing much to say about me except i love my life, every single day of it. `Life's like a rollercoaster :) *pictures derived from deviantart and sayingimages

what is love? can someone give me an explaination.. my dad says it is when you tink of someone alot.. then does that mean i love you since u are always the one i tink about no matter what happens.. then how much do i love you? i really dont noe.. do i love you as a fren or as a lover.. i dont noe.. but i noe when i am with u.. i feel the happiest.. maybe it is cuz whenever we go out it is so carefree.. i dont have to tink about anything when i am with you.. because i noe u accept me and care for me because i am me..

but do u noe that loving you is so miserable.. the feeling and hurt i get i have to bear it myself.. i cant tell u for it will just drive u further away.. i noe i told myself many times that i have to stop.. i have to realli stop giving myself excuses and put an end to this.. i am just going to suffer in the future.. maybe you are not suitable for me.. maybe i wun be happy with u.. because to me.. u are the best.. and i dont tink i can pei de shang ni... yea i noe.. low self esteem.. i gotta change.. but its hard.. slowly.. i will change.. no.. i must change.. i must be more confident..

why is it that u noe my feelings for u and i do not noe urs.. why.. why wun u just gif me some hint to clarify.. actually i tink there is no need for that.. i noe deep down inside that u do not like me.. its just that u do not noe how to say.. cuz we have been frens for so long.. and u noe i have like u for so long.. it was when u left me that i realise i could not dont have u.. its very miserable for me to always tink about u.. when i noe deep down inside u dont like me at all.. this single-sided love realli has gotta stop..

after talking to my dad just now.. i donno y.. i just cried.. myabe ts just my dad hit the soft spots.. although my dad doesnt noe him.. my dad could tell that he is not the one for me.. and that is the sad truth that i have to accept.. i got to accept reality.. and it takes alot of courage for me to do that.. but i noe i must.. cuz it is time for me to step out from the pit.. if i dont.. i am just going to fall deeper and deeper until no one, not even myself can get out of it.. honestly.. i dont want to let go.. i dont noe y.. i noe i must but i dont want to.. i want to hold on.. i need to hear those words from him then maybe i will let go.. but will that be too late?? where in the pit will i be when those words come out from ur mouth??

another thing is that i was hospitalised recently for gastritis.. realli stupid.. realli angry wit myself.. cuz of my negligence i cause my parents to fork out so much money.. but becaus of this i realise how much my family cares about me.. i realli love my family alot.. my dad because of me had to wake up early in the morning to come and care for me and leave late at night cuz he is afraid my heartburn will act up again.. even if he does not have enough slp he still make an effort to come so early in the morning.. because he was so afraid that my heartbun will act again.. and he noes that its very painful and he wants to be by my side if that pain comes.. wishing that he can take the pain away from me.. and that day after lunch it acted up again but my dad was not there.. i was tinkin will i die.. and i realli wish i could see my dad for the last time if i did die that time.. i tink he knew i was in pain.. because he showed up... he quickly put down everything and rushed to my side.. holding my hands.. allowing me to clench his hand.. so that i can transfer my pain elsewhere.. patting my back.. trying to ease the pain i am feeling that time.. always doing so much for me because he loves me.. and bcause he cares for me.. and my mama.. cuz of this.. she felt so bad about herself.. and cuz of me.. she just wanted to throw her job aside and come back to be by myself.. and cuz of me she has cried many times.. and when she wrote an email to me telling me how lousy she felt as a mother.. cuz she couldnt be by my side.. realli made me wanna disapper from this world..i feel so unfilial for making life so difficult for my parents.. and i am still angry at myself.. from young.. from the day i was born.. i feel that i have brought nothing to them but trouble and suffering.. i was a prematured baby with alot of problems.. and had to be in and out of the hospital.. but despite the trouble both of u never said anything about it.. because all of u love me.. and i feel very stupid to only realiase how much i mean to both of u.. i always thought that it was bro that u all loved.. but i was wrong.. u both loved us equally.. i am sorry for those hurting words last time.. i feel very touched cuz i finally noe how much i mean to them.. that happiness when i noe that i mean the world to them.. that happiness is realli someting that cannot be described...

papa, mama.. i love u.. thank u soooo much for bringing me into this world and teaching me so much... i realli appreciate what u have done for me.. thank u.. please wait for me to return that happiness and care that u haven given me... i love u.. back to top?