Cold Nostalgia

i'm just a simple girl living in this not so simple world. Nothing much to say about me except i love my life, every single day of it. `Life's like a rollercoaster :) *pictures derived from deviantart and sayingimages

Saturday, July 31, 2010 @ 12:34 AM

it has been what 1 week since i have last saw you.. these few days "what is the point" has been tiding me through this period. but its not working.. at least for this instant.. after your unexpected call, i tried to psycho myself what is the point. but i dont know why it just doesnt seem to work.

so when i told you, dont lead me on you stopped all contact. does that mean in the beginning you were leading me on too? i dont know.. i guess my departure really doesnt mean anything to you at all.. you tell me you miss me too.. do you? do u really miss me? what do you miss about me? why do you still miss me? there are so many answers i wish to find out from you but i know i will never get them answered.. like why? why did we even started this whole thing.. why did you let me continue? why did you keep lying to me telling me that you wanted me by your side. you knew that nothing would come out of it, so why did you give me so much hope?

everyday i just feel like going back in time.. to the time when we were in europe.. just pausing the time there if i could.. to all the happy times there.. to the times when i was oblivous to the lies, truth, reality. i wish i could go back.. i wish that right now you could be by my side now.. i really do..

would you still come back and read my posts? or just forget everything about me? I really wish to know.. I know yst's call was for wong, it could have never been cuz u missed me.. I also know that after yst there wont be any calls, msges, any form of contact from you. is that better?? i dont know. i really dont..

why cant you just come back..

Friday, July 23, 2010 @ 10:52 PM

sometimes i just gotta learn how to let go.. everytime when i see the photos which dont belong to me i cant help but to think, what if that was me inside? every msg, ever phonecall just makes me want to linger longer to see what happens next.. waiting to see if its possible.. to see if in reality is fate in god's hands or ours?

I know there is a time when everyone has to learn to walk and grow up.. and i know the time for me to walk away from all of this is now. this is the perfect chance to just leave and never look back. but i cant help myself from stealing glances at my past. at the times we had.. maybe i can help myself but like everyone says, im blinded. i wish i could just really open my eyes and just realise that i was not blinded and that i can finally see what i am missing out in life.

i really wish i could.. i wish i could leave this instant.. find the man of my dreams and settle down in a small town with our kids, growing old together and loving each other till the end.. but i guess this plan has to be shelved for the moment until i can find that one guy whom im willing to settle down with.. but who knows, i might have a shot-gun marriage then realise he is not the one and end up in a divorce. i dont know.

had a small talk with my friend the other day and she told me something i really refuse to admit. she told me i have given up hope on love, on life and most importantly myself. i hate to admit that but i know its the truth.. i no longer think love is that merry and something that is happy.. i think life is just simply just torturing and i have certainly no idea what im here for.. i have given up everything... i know that's wrong and i got to pick myself back up. and i know i have damn gd frens who will be there to help me pick up the pieces.. but if i dont make an effort, no one including god can help me..

but i just dont understand why i am still clinging on to something hopeless which is killing me every single day.. i dont understand why i love him so much that i refuse to come to my senses.. yes i am selfish and i have to idea what has become of me.. i just know that i dont like this and i just want to get out.. i know im not any princess but still, shouldnt the knight appear now and save me from this? i know even if a knight appears right now i would not hope onto his horse.. cuz this is not the knight i wanted.. im blinded.. and i wish i could just take the blindfold out and realise what a fool i have been..

to all my frens, im really sorry that despite trying ur best to help me i neglected all of u.. i know im stubborn and no matter what all of u say i still choose to be blinded.. and im grateful that i have frens like u guys who didnt leave me when i was alone.. i love all of u... esp my darling yiwei who gave me most of ur time.. love u babe..

Monday, July 19, 2010 @ 3:16 PM

suddenly have a few songs that are making me happy these few days.. and these are not in preference..

1. Arashi - Love so sweet

Oh god, I forgot when I was crazy over them. I think it started after hana yori dango when I just loveee Jun Matsumoto (2nd from right). Then slowly it just moved on to AIBA!! Isnt he such a gorgeous guy?(center) His small little face and just intense look.. Feel like such a little girl again. hahah.. Then lastly my next favorite guy has to be Ohno (1st from right). He is the leader and the oldest. Maybe that's why I like him. He has this stable deeling to him and best is he does housework. ahahha.. Back to the song.. Love so sweet always made me happy no matter how or when i listen to it. Cuz its just a really sweet song and just makes you so happy being in love. This song if I'm not wrong is about a guy seeing a girl for the first time and just falling in love with her.

2. Tegomass - kiss~ Kaerimichi no love song

I fell in love with the song the 1st time I heard it. Its those song which makes you sway along. you know what i mean. This song is about love (obviously) and 2 people. About how the guy would do whatever it takes to protect the one he loves even if the world were to end tml. And their dream of growing old together. When both of them gets older. He would still kiss her and hold her hands like how he used to when they were younger. And it ends with "kimi ga saigo no kiss itsumademo" meaning that your kiss is my last, forever. Makes me want to have this type of love if it really exist.. The type that it will last and you guys are old and wrinkled but still love each other like the 1st time you met. Those kinda love.

* digress abit. i was reading xinmsn yst and i saw one on vanessa paradis. those who dont know, she is the wife of johnny depp. she said, she wasnt with depp because he is such a gorgeous guy on the outside, but cuz he is much more inside. she said that she cant believe that anyone in the world can be in love like the way they 2 are. Its so sweet.. And i hope i can find my version of depp.. Thou its hard. haha.. cuz he is just so sexy, manly and just everything. i dont even wanna start.. hahah

3. A Mei - 原来你什麽都不想要

I just manage to find this song after so many million years and I still love this song alot. Nothing much to say about it. The lyrics is simple and just says everything.

4. Nicky lee
songs like 不完美 and baby是我. Nicky is sooo cute and that's all I have to say but these songs esp baby是我 just makes me smile. cuz he is sooooo cute..

yep.. these are a few songs which help me get through these few days of boredom and now im going to watch bloody mondy.. cuz MIURA HARUMA in in it!!! I just loveeee him too.. he is so cuteeeee and the 1st show i saw him was in koizora.. it is the best movie which made me cry like no one business but its really a good show..

I'm trying to find one pic of miura but i cant, cuz every pic is too handsome.. so just go google him. ahah

Wednesday, July 14, 2010 @ 7:22 PM

Seriously I have no idea what the hell is your problem.. wait wait wait.. arent you a man also? oops I forgot maybe you are too chicken to be a man. I mean seriously cant you also give opinions or are your opinions just kept for your side of the people. If that's the case then ask them to be your kids.. I couldnt care less to be honest. Seriously.

I had it enough with the both of you trying to act like you care when you dont. Spare me the plastics cuz it aint gonna work. You there trying to act like ok go do your homework and I will make sure it works and in the end? when i have done everything i should have what did you do?? oh that is a stupid idea blah blah blah.. i dont need all these fucking nonsense.. you just have to tell me.. are u or are u not going to work with me to figure out something.. if u arent then pls dont ever play another part in my life cuz i dont need your comments or ur "concern"

And mum I know that you have worked hard for this family for the 3/4 of your life and you just want to live your own life. I can understand that.. But seriously? telling me not to go back to the states cuz its just too damn far.. cant you call just understand that i dont want to be here.. whether be it im running away or trying to start my own life.. I JUST DONT WANT TO BE HERE. and if i really have to.. i will stop studying and work for my education fees if i really have to. im serious.. that is how desperate i am to get out of here..

if you really care i will feel it.. but now its all fake.. so just pls.. keep it and save it for someone else..

Tuesday, July 13, 2010 @ 12:00 AM

today was a very very very wierd day.. woke up and decided to head down to the canadian education center but in the end realised it closed down.. so me and my cousin decided to eat at this jap street next door.. to realise that it was also closed down.. then she said " nvm, lets go sunshine plaza for jap bento." when we reached, they didnt open. so in the end we settle for thai food..

after that took cab down to tanjong pagar to the USEIC to realise that you can only talk to the counselor prior with a booking. ARGHHH.. they didnt even state that on the webby. NVM.. so I ended up looking at some university majors and deciding where I should choose. After that we went back to chinatown when I had the sudden urge to dye my hair.. Sat there for like I donno how long and I finally decided on this I donno what color. HhMMM.. is it nice?? I think so.. At least i like it.. but my hair is getting too long for my liking. might cut shorter when the time is right. After that we went back to eat.. To find out that tonight we are having CURRY FISH HEAD!!! hahahhaa.. it was nice.. but too much food..

after that, it was time for DESPICABLE ME!!!! it is soooooooo cute but the only thing that sucks was that it was in 3D. oh well.. but its really nice.. tml is time for TWILIGHT!! i know it's like what? 1 week already but still. hahaha.. but there are like sooo many movies that i have been wanting to watch lately..

1. the last airbender
2. the sorcerer's assistant ( tt guy is cute & of course nicholas cage )
3. inception ( leo decaprio, i use to hate him but now i realise that there is this manliness in him )
4. toy story 3
5. Hot tub time machine
6. Salt

omg.. so many movies and so little money.. oh god.. please have it online soon.. haha..

Monday, July 12, 2010 @ 2:54 AM

hmm.. suddenly had a thought.. should I also consider education in Canada? Doesnt seem that bad either. Well more research needs to be done.. must work hard in leaving Singapore. :)

Sunday, July 11, 2010 @ 5:02 PM

Every time I look at my table I would notice this little red book. This book was the 1st thing I bought for myself during the Europe trip and it holds a significant importance to me. Red is the colour of love, anger, strawberries and anything else you can think of. This book is the one which I penned all my thoughts and emotions on, something that had kept me strong for these past few months.

As I flip through the contents of it, I cant help but to think of all the happy times which once belonged to us. Walking down milan street, the roulette, the wine and steak, the 2 whole chickens for dinner, tickle wars, kayaking around hong island and the jellyfish, the numerous amount of creme brulee that we had and the memories of how much attention you gave to me. To be honest, I was really happy because I was given a chance that time. A chance to be by your side and love you.

Yesterday when I saw your email I was really happy but I told myself "no I would not talk to you." But I could not control myself again and just went online with my iphone. And when you told me "then there is no point continuing this conversation, bb." My whole world went along with you. I thought that you would really come back and surprise me like how you use to. But you didn't. I cried my eyeballs out, I cried so hard until I thought I would stop breathing at any second. After crying and letting everything out I got tired.

Today when I woke up I saw your email and you ended your email with your name. I guess you have also made your choice . I am just glad that I am able to let you go and glad to have found back myself.

Cheers to the new me :)

Friday, July 9, 2010 @ 3:46 AM

i couldnt sleep yet again. which night had it been since i could have a proper rest? i have totally lost count. tried countless ways but none seem to help.

was taking out a few photos and videos from the past when i was really young. And guess what I realise, i was and still am hot tempered. hahaha.. no doubt the temper has decreased slightly over the past few years but i am still me. the one that like things to be done my way, my style. hahaa.. i always hated to lose, hated to be out of control, loved to be pampered and loved to have fun.

i missed the times when something so small like practicing the violin or singing my song on the radio would make me so happy. i miss those times when i would just be happy over the little stuff. although time has changed. as you grow older you tend to have more responsibilites and more roles that you are suppose to take on, be it a mother, wife, spouse, friend, etc. i believe that you should still continue to be happy over the small stuff.. ultimately, who doesnt wish to be happy? everyone does and everyone deserves to be happy. so be it learning a new dish or a new language or just simply losing weight you should just be happy. Reason is simple because all these proves your significance in the world. Isnt that what everyone is living in this world for? To be recognised by someone.

When i looked at myself at 3 yrs old or 8 yrs old i finally realised the meaning of ignorance is bliss. when you dont know the reality you feel more happy and less stress. but being blinded doesnt necessarily mean its good. If given a choice now, i will still choose to be in my own innocent world where nothing can hurt me and just be happy.

I guess after so many changes in my life, i realise the thing i want the most and need the most is happiness. And that is something that no one can give me except for myself. Everyone can try to make me happy but in the end will i be happy is another matter. I have learn to look at things less significantly, im not saying that im not serious about life. I am, its just i learn to take things easy.

But the happiest thing that I am feeling now is how much i have grown in regards to how people view me. People can view me in one thousand million ways but i should not let that affect me, because as long as i like the way im viewing myself that's all it matters. selfish? yes i am. but that's just life, you cant please everyone. that's not what life should be.. life should be doing things that make you happy.. like my mum, i always disliked the fact that she would stay overseas and leave me with my dad n bro. but this time round when i see how happy she is to stay in the temple and just chant throughout the day, i cant help but to feel happy for her.

she told me yesterday that her shifu asked her to call me.. to check up on me.. it felt as if the gods were really hearing my prayers and sending someone to help me.. do gods really exist? i dont know but all i know is i just believe in myself. because my life is in nobody's hands except for mine.

these are some quotes from John F Kennedy which i would like to share.

- Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certainly to miss the future

- Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names

- Once you say you're going to settle for second, that's what happens to you in life

- Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. And man can be as big as he wants. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings.

therefore i end it with your fate is in your own hands.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010 @ 6:54 PM

i know i promised not to blog about him but today is really killing me.

its like i was fine without you for that whole week. i let my heart died then suddenly you had to msg me, " i miss you" and screw up my whole system. I thought i could really let you go and yes im still trying to let you go. But after that msg i went back to square 1. I hate that, i hate that feeling of being so weak. the feeling of not being able to control my own feelings.

i have no other choice but to let go, yes i know im psychoing myself that too.. i know i must let go.. that i must draw this line between us.. i have the chalk in my hands yet i dont have the courage to draw that line. the line that will end everything.. i cant be like this. i cant continue like this.. i have gotta stop.. i have to back out..

overall this year is a pretty bad year for me, everything is not going in order.. i just really hope that it will all be over soon..

Saturday, July 3, 2010 @ 11:31 PM

I know its a double entry again, but this post is for you.

To you:

If you asked me do I regret knowing you, I would not be able to give you any answer. Being the angry me I would say YES!! I hate you and I cant wait for you to get out of my life. But being the me which once loved you so much I would say no cuz no matter how tough this road was, it was my decision.

Exactly 3 months and 3 days have passed and during this 3 months it was like hell breaking loose. No one knew what was happening or what the outcome would be like. But during this past few weeks the whole world changed. You stopped caring for me, stopped loving me and stopped being the man that I once fell in love with. You've changed. I know you will say , " No I still love you and I still care for you." Then if that's the case, maybe you never fell in love with me to begin with.

Being with you was one of the hardest love I have ever tasted. The constant disappointments when you would back out on our dates, or the times when you couldnt even make time for me, or the times when all I needed was to hear your voice. You were never there for me. And me? All I could do was wait patiently for you to be by my side. Stupidity and a fool yet again. Being treated in that way and yet I'm still hanging on shows how much you mean to me. But so what? Its a single sided affair and that's all it will ever be.

I know that if I tell you," I'm leaving." you would just say, " orh ok lor. loving someone doesnt mean you gotta possess them. " This phrase only shows how shallow this love is. If you really love someone you will try to do your best to keep them by your side so that you can protect them from this harsh reality of this world. But being you, no matter who the other party is there is no way you can protect or care for them. Reason being that you are just too obsessed with yourself. You love yourself more than you love anyone in this world. To you, you are the most important thing. I cant judge because we have different mindsets.

Simply it just shows that there is no such fate that exist between us. And since that's the case there should be no other reason to keep you by my side anymore. From today onwards, you want to go Mongolia just go, you want to go prawning with a pink rod go ahead, whatever you want to do is up to you. It's your life that you have to lead. And I cant find any part of me inside your life. So I think we shall just bid our final farewell.

There will be no more post on you or how much im missing you or how much im crying over the fact that you're gone. Everything about you will just disappear with a click on the del button on this keyboard.

Goodbye,

From me..

@ 11:18 PM

I finally managed to watch karate kid with ah dey yesterday. It's really nice but if I were to compare the original karate kid and this one.. I still prefer the one with mr miyagi. But unfortunately he passed away. After movies we went for dinner at botak jones.. thanks for the dinner :) And I realise sometimes when one gets too caught up with someone, one will tend to neglect their surroundings.

I have been neglecting those things that I actually have with those things that I want to have. But now im glad that I have set my priorities straight. Isnt that what you said? Everyone has different priorities in life and guess what. Now that you are no longer part of my life, i'm glad. im really glad. will this be the final goodbye? i seriously hope so.

Was singing with yi wei today at kbox and i swear that guy is the cutest ever. hahaha.. yi wei there is no flower on my head alright. but he was cute rite? ok maybe to me only. hahaha.. but i had alot of fun singing my lungs out until my throat hurts now. suddenly the song that's in my head now is by M2M, mirror mirror. the chorus is the one that really caught me. " Mirror mirror on the wall, you don't have to tell me who's the biggest fool of all. Mirror mirror I wish you could lie to me, and bring my baby back, bring my baby back to me..." This exact phrase. The irony inside this sentence.. Its like.. you know you are a fool and yet you still want to continue to be the fool. Is it worth it?

Ah dey was telling me that day that what he told me is cuz he felt it was worth it. Then how do you decide if something is worth the try? Because there is no regret in the end? Or because you've learnt something from it? I really dont know. But all I can say is that like M2M, part of me still wishes that the mirror could continue to lie to me so that my baby will come back. But that's only in fairytales. In reality its just called letting go.

Someone also said this to me. " what you believe to be the real truth is your judgement from what you assume is right." Yes. I agree with that. It because what you assume is right is usually a trail of reasons and facts that conclude in this assumtions. For instance, this man is being killed and all evidence shows that exhibit A is the one which killed him. Therefore in the end, we will assume base what we think is right and make our judgement from there. Isnt that how humans work?

Friday, July 2, 2010 @ 12:58 AM

I know its a double entry but still.. Sometimes I really dont get what good it does to people when they gossip around people's back. I'm not saying I'm a saint cuz i do gossip. But being a gossip-monger has a limit.

Recently someone said to me, "why are you hanging on to this rs when you know there is no good outcome? cuz you have no one else to hang on to that's why you hang on to this life bouy?" So what i told him is, " then what makes you think that the next rs that i encounter will have a good outcome? no one can guarentee anything in this world." can you guarentee that the slimming tea that you drink really works? are you sure its the tea which is helping you or a change in lifestyle routine? so back to the story, he came and said "so this rs can guarentee a gd ending? no wonder wad ur batch girl say about you is true." ok now you have really ticked me off.

in what way does my love life is of concern to you may I ask? be it that im being cheated or hurt does it help you in any way? im sorry to say that no matter how much you may seem to care about me im sorry, IM JUST NOT INTO YOU. do i make myself clear enough? and oh please save yourself some face and not go around acting like a 38 yr old saint. if you shd worry, maybe you should start worrying about your own love life. 40 and not married, it shows a hell lot of things. and another thing.. those batch girls that you were talking about. which girls do you know? apart from those during the attachments and who are in dem now. hmm.. and what right do these girls have to comment about me when in the actual fact is that they dont know any fuck about me. so why not do yourself and everyone a favour and stop tryin to act like a 18yr old boy alright. its really fucking disgusting and revolting i must add. and you telling me forget that you even said that. if i shd forget that you even say that then why do u in the 1st place wanna comment something like that. you thought that by commenting i would think that oh you are so concern about me, asking ppl abt the type of person i am. Im sorry i think that just plain childish. if you wanna noe abt me why not try to ask me? maybe i would tell you abt the things i like or wad turns me on and off.. hmm.. isnt that what you are after anyways. think about your childish attitude when i reject your offer to stay overnight at a chalet with you alone time after time.

and now you tell me, " i promised her not to say and besides she was a little drunk." thank you but i dont need to noe the contents of you trying to hit on someone 10 or more years younger than you. and i definitely no need to know that you are so protective over her. it doesnt make me jealous. it just makes me feel very worried for her that she is in the hands of a wolf. a wolf in sheep clothings. as simple as that. alright.

so i would really appreciate if you could kindly get the fuck out of my life and bring along your little girl too..

Thursday, July 1, 2010 @ 11:47 PM

watching tv today and its funny how dramas are not totally unrealistic to a certain extent. Like in the channel 8 show, the 9 pm one when the guy is so crazy about the female to the extent whereby he does so much to win her over and gain her trust. In reality do guys like these still exist? Maybe somewhere out in the world, deep in the oceans or above the highest mountain I can still find guys who will give me the respect and love that I truly exist. But right now apprently infront of me there are none. *starts to think are my expectations too high?*

while watching desperate housewives, there was this saying there goes something like this, " everyone is judging everyone from what they see without knowing the real truth. And you will only start to judge yourself and your actions when you have truly taken a step back and view the whole picture." Upon knowing the whole story and judging yourself will you still continue that mistake? That's one answer that no one except for you needs to know.

Does true love still exist in this world? Is it something which is still important to me? Is it something which I care for with all that I have? No. Its not. Thinking back on all the things that have been happening in my life, the trips that I have taken, people I have met and things that I have seen. Love is just a small part in this world. But being as small as it seems, its not unimportant. While watching "stars for a cause" where darren and evelyn went to mumbai and tried their best to help those street kids steer away from drug addiction and self mutilation made me realise that although how small love plays a part in a person's life, it is still deemed as important. Some of these kids become the way they are due to the lack of love that they were given in their own homes. Some of these kids get abused, be it mentally, emotionally or even physically. And because of these constant abuse they turn to self mutilation and drug addiction to cope with the pain and sufferings they are faced with. Is this right? NO its not. Coping with pain, suffering, or even poverty are parts and parcels of life and true to say everyone has their own way of dealing with it. Through these mutilations and drugs what do they learn? They learn how to be unhappy with life, they learn how to vent out the frustrations on themselves. But once they are able to take a step out of this , then they will truly learn the art of appreciating life itself.

Life being as tough or fucked up as it is doesnt mean that we should be angry at it. When things doesnt go right, why not stop what you are doing and take a deep breath. And look at all the things that you have. Life is not forever, who knows it may be over the next day for some but that shouldnt stop us from being happy and doing things that brings happiness to the people around us.

@ 2:00 AM

Wont christmas come early this year?

Recently chance upon this olympus ep-1 on xia xue's blog and the functions are amazing.

I love the pinhole camera effect as well as the grainy film.

Yi wei, was this the one that you were talking about that day?

Now I also wish I can have a huge paycheck from somewhere so I can get this.

I'm not saying my canon one is bad but this camera looks really pretty and rugged.

Its sooo cute..

Shall start saving from I dont know where either.

Hope money will really start to drop from the skies somewhere.

I was reading the newspaper today and I forgot which country where this lady was fired from citybank as she posed as a disturbance to her male collegues due to the fact that she is pretty. I mean seriously? Getting fired for looking like a vixen? I understand that citybank has to do well as it is a well known bank afterall. But blaming her for the drop in productivity of the work from the male deparment is just simply ridiculous. I think the fault lies with men. Men are born to be lecherous and love to oogle at the sight of pretty women. I'm not being a feminist and saying that females dont, but at least we get out work done and are not affected. I still think that she should not have been fired. If the men job performance can be affected by the mere sight of pretty women, then is it right to say that men dies in the hands of a women? This only shows how weak humans are when it comes to temptations. Correct me if I am wrong. In ancient Greek there is a legend known as the Odessey and from what I remember is that during that period when men travel out to sea they will never return due to the sights and sounds from the nymphs. This also proves my other fact that the way to the men's heart isnt his stomach but his eyes.

I use to think that not all men are alike and that there are still some good ones around. Maybe there still are, except these type of men are either unavailable or extinct. Well its just I'm not ready to meet them yet. But after concurrent incidents, it suddenly dawn upon me that all male are the same. There is no running from the truth. They are realistic creatures who will stay with you for certain reasons. Some common reasons would be sex, responsibility, money and sometimes because there is nowhere else to go.

Recently I saw a post on this forum whereby this girl says, " men will never leave their wives." True to a certain extent. In her story, her uncle left his wife for the mistress however as time pass the uncle has another affair. You see, when the mistress status has been upgraded to the wife, it simply leaves a new opening for the place "mistress". Understand what I mean? Ok, back to the uncle having another affair. This time he had an affair with the ex wife. Irony of how men are not able to leave their wives. However, this is not the case of the majority as some men really do leave their wives and live happily with their mistress. I'm not saying that straying men are setting a good example in this society. I'm just saying that as long as he knows what he is getting into we should not judge. Because we never know what is the truth behind the affairs. So in this society now where everyone is judging each other base on values and mindsets that we are taught. Is this right?

I used to think that there was only black and white in this world but as I grow older I realised that the shades of grey that hide deep inside this society holds the higher power. There is hardly anymore right or wrong in this world. For eg, killing is a wrong thing no matter what reason it is. But what if it was for protection? mental condition which made him kill? Does that make a wrong thing right? Almost everything in this world can be twisted around.

Is there anymore righteousness in this world anymore?

p.s sorry for digressing from the camera. :p

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Saturday, July 31, 2010 @ 12:34 AM it has been what 1 week since i have last saw you.. these few days "what is the point" has been tiding me through this period. but its not working.. at least for this instant.. after your unexpected call, i tried to psycho myself what is the point. but i dont know why it just doesnt seem to work. so when i told you, dont lead me on you stopped all contact. does that mean in the beginning you were leading me on too? i dont know.. i guess my departure really doesnt mean anything to you at all.. you tell me you miss me too.. do you? do u really miss me? what do you miss about me? why do you still miss me? there are so many answers i wish to find out from you but i know i will never get them answered.. like why? why did we even started this whole thing.. why did you let me continue? why did you keep lying to me telling me that you wanted me by your side. you knew that nothing would come out of it, so why did you give me so much hope? everyday i just feel like going back in time.. to the time when we were in europe.. just pausing the time there if i could.. to all the happy times there.. to the times when i was oblivous to the lies, truth, reality. i wish i could go back.. i wish that right now you could be by my side now.. i really do.. would you still come back and read my posts? or just forget everything about me? I really wish to know.. I know yst's call was for wong, it could have never been cuz u missed me.. I also know that after yst there wont be any calls, msges, any form of contact from you. is that better?? i dont know. i really dont.. why cant you just come back.. back to top?
Friday, July 23, 2010 @ 10:52 PM sometimes i just gotta learn how to let go.. everytime when i see the photos which dont belong to me i cant help but to think, what if that was me inside? every msg, ever phonecall just makes me want to linger longer to see what happens next.. waiting to see if its possible.. to see if in reality is fate in god's hands or ours? I know there is a time when everyone has to learn to walk and grow up.. and i know the time for me to walk away from all of this is now. this is the perfect chance to just leave and never look back. but i cant help myself from stealing glances at my past. at the times we had.. maybe i can help myself but like everyone says, im blinded. i wish i could just really open my eyes and just realise that i was not blinded and that i can finally see what i am missing out in life. i really wish i could.. i wish i could leave this instant.. find the man of my dreams and settle down in a small town with our kids, growing old together and loving each other till the end.. but i guess this plan has to be shelved for the moment until i can find that one guy whom im willing to settle down with.. but who knows, i might have a shot-gun marriage then realise he is not the one and end up in a divorce. i dont know. had a small talk with my friend the other day and she told me something i really refuse to admit. she told me i have given up hope on love, on life and most importantly myself. i hate to admit that but i know its the truth.. i no longer think love is that merry and something that is happy.. i think life is just simply just torturing and i have certainly no idea what im here for.. i have given up everything... i know that's wrong and i got to pick myself back up. and i know i have damn gd frens who will be there to help me pick up the pieces.. but if i dont make an effort, no one including god can help me.. but i just dont understand why i am still clinging on to something hopeless which is killing me every single day.. i dont understand why i love him so much that i refuse to come to my senses.. yes i am selfish and i have to idea what has become of me.. i just know that i dont like this and i just want to get out.. i know im not any princess but still, shouldnt the knight appear now and save me from this? i know even if a knight appears right now i would not hope onto his horse.. cuz this is not the knight i wanted.. im blinded.. and i wish i could just take the blindfold out and realise what a fool i have been.. to all my frens, im really sorry that despite trying ur best to help me i neglected all of u.. i know im stubborn and no matter what all of u say i still choose to be blinded.. and im grateful that i have frens like u guys who didnt leave me when i was alone.. i love all of u... esp my darling yiwei who gave me most of ur time.. love u babe.. back to top?
Monday, July 19, 2010 @ 3:16 PM suddenly have a few songs that are making me happy these few days.. and these are not in preference.. 1. Arashi - Love so sweet Oh god, I forgot when I was crazy over them. I think it started after hana yori dango when I just loveee Jun Matsumoto (2nd from right). Then slowly it just moved on to AIBA!! Isnt he such a gorgeous guy?(center) His small little face and just intense look.. Feel like such a little girl again. hahah.. Then lastly my next favorite guy has to be Ohno (1st from right). He is the leader and the oldest. Maybe that's why I like him. He has this stable deeling to him and best is he does housework. ahahha.. Back to the song.. Love so sweet always made me happy no matter how or when i listen to it. Cuz its just a really sweet song and just makes you so happy being in love. This song if I'm not wrong is about a guy seeing a girl for the first time and just falling in love with her. 2. Tegomass - kiss~ Kaerimichi no love song I fell in love with the song the 1st time I heard it. Its those song which makes you sway along. you know what i mean. This song is about love (obviously) and 2 people. About how the guy would do whatever it takes to protect the one he loves even if the world were to end tml. And their dream of growing old together. When both of them gets older. He would still kiss her and hold her hands like how he used to when they were younger. And it ends with "kimi ga saigo no kiss itsumademo" meaning that your kiss is my last, forever. Makes me want to have this type of love if it really exist.. The type that it will last and you guys are old and wrinkled but still love each other like the 1st time you met. Those kinda love. * digress abit. i was reading xinmsn yst and i saw one on vanessa paradis. those who dont know, she is the wife of johnny depp. she said, she wasnt with depp because he is such a gorgeous guy on the outside, but cuz he is much more inside. she said that she cant believe that anyone in the world can be in love like the way they 2 are. Its so sweet.. And i hope i can find my version of depp.. Thou its hard. haha.. cuz he is just so sexy, manly and just everything. i dont even wanna start.. hahah 3. A Mei - 原来你什麽都不想要 I just manage to find this song after so many million years and I still love this song alot. Nothing much to say about it. The lyrics is simple and just says everything. 4. Nicky lee songs like 不完美 and baby是我. Nicky is sooo cute and that's all I have to say but these songs esp baby是我 just makes me smile. cuz he is sooooo cute.. yep.. these are a few songs which help me get through these few days of boredom and now im going to watch bloody mondy.. cuz MIURA HARUMA in in it!!! I just loveeee him too.. he is so cuteeeee and the 1st show i saw him was in koizora.. it is the best movie which made me cry like no one business but its really a good show.. I'm trying to find one pic of miura but i cant, cuz every pic is too handsome.. so just go google him. ahah back to top?
Wednesday, July 14, 2010 @ 7:22 PM Seriously I have no idea what the hell is your problem.. wait wait wait.. arent you a man also? oops I forgot maybe you are too chicken to be a man. I mean seriously cant you also give opinions or are your opinions just kept for your side of the people. If that's the case then ask them to be your kids.. I couldnt care less to be honest. Seriously. I had it enough with the both of you trying to act like you care when you dont. Spare me the plastics cuz it aint gonna work. You there trying to act like ok go do your homework and I will make sure it works and in the end? when i have done everything i should have what did you do?? oh that is a stupid idea blah blah blah.. i dont need all these fucking nonsense.. you just have to tell me.. are u or are u not going to work with me to figure out something.. if u arent then pls dont ever play another part in my life cuz i dont need your comments or ur "concern" And mum I know that you have worked hard for this family for the 3/4 of your life and you just want to live your own life. I can understand that.. But seriously? telling me not to go back to the states cuz its just too damn far.. cant you call just understand that i dont want to be here.. whether be it im running away or trying to start my own life.. I JUST DONT WANT TO BE HERE. and if i really have to.. i will stop studying and work for my education fees if i really have to. im serious.. that is how desperate i am to get out of here.. if you really care i will feel it.. but now its all fake.. so just pls.. keep it and save it for someone else.. back to top?
Tuesday, July 13, 2010 @ 12:00 AM today was a very very very wierd day.. woke up and decided to head down to the canadian education center but in the end realised it closed down.. so me and my cousin decided to eat at this jap street next door.. to realise that it was also closed down.. then she said " nvm, lets go sunshine plaza for jap bento." when we reached, they didnt open. so in the end we settle for thai food.. after that took cab down to tanjong pagar to the USEIC to realise that you can only talk to the counselor prior with a booking. ARGHHH.. they didnt even state that on the webby. NVM.. so I ended up looking at some university majors and deciding where I should choose. After that we went back to chinatown when I had the sudden urge to dye my hair.. Sat there for like I donno how long and I finally decided on this I donno what color. HhMMM.. is it nice?? I think so.. At least i like it.. but my hair is getting too long for my liking. might cut shorter when the time is right. After that we went back to eat.. To find out that tonight we are having CURRY FISH HEAD!!! hahahhaa.. it was nice.. but too much food.. after that, it was time for DESPICABLE ME!!!! it is soooooooo cute but the only thing that sucks was that it was in 3D. oh well.. but its really nice.. tml is time for TWILIGHT!! i know it's like what? 1 week already but still. hahaha.. but there are like sooo many movies that i have been wanting to watch lately.. 1. the last airbender 2. the sorcerer's assistant ( tt guy is cute & of course nicholas cage ) 3. inception ( leo decaprio, i use to hate him but now i realise that there is this manliness in him ) 4. toy story 3 5. Hot tub time machine 6. Salt omg.. so many movies and so little money.. oh god.. please have it online soon.. haha.. back to top?
Monday, July 12, 2010 @ 2:54 AM hmm.. suddenly had a thought.. should I also consider education in Canada? Doesnt seem that bad either. Well more research needs to be done.. must work hard in leaving Singapore. :) back to top?
Sunday, July 11, 2010 @ 5:02 PM Every time I look at my table I would notice this little red book. This book was the 1st thing I bought for myself during the Europe trip and it holds a significant importance to me. Red is the colour of love, anger, strawberries and anything else you can think of. This book is the one which I penned all my thoughts and emotions on, something that had kept me strong for these past few months. As I flip through the contents of it, I cant help but to think of all the happy times which once belonged to us. Walking down milan street, the roulette, the wine and steak, the 2 whole chickens for dinner, tickle wars, kayaking around hong island and the jellyfish, the numerous amount of creme brulee that we had and the memories of how much attention you gave to me. To be honest, I was really happy because I was given a chance that time. A chance to be by your side and love you. Yesterday when I saw your email I was really happy but I told myself "no I would not talk to you." But I could not control myself again and just went online with my iphone. And when you told me "then there is no point continuing this conversation, bb." My whole world went along with you. I thought that you would really come back and surprise me like how you use to. But you didn't. I cried my eyeballs out, I cried so hard until I thought I would stop breathing at any second. After crying and letting everything out I got tired. Today when I woke up I saw your email and you ended your email with your name. I guess you have also made your choice . I am just glad that I am able to let you go and glad to have found back myself. Cheers to the new me :) back to top?
Friday, July 9, 2010 @ 3:46 AM i couldnt sleep yet again. which night had it been since i could have a proper rest? i have totally lost count. tried countless ways but none seem to help. was taking out a few photos and videos from the past when i was really young. And guess what I realise, i was and still am hot tempered. hahaha.. no doubt the temper has decreased slightly over the past few years but i am still me. the one that like things to be done my way, my style. hahaa.. i always hated to lose, hated to be out of control, loved to be pampered and loved to have fun. i missed the times when something so small like practicing the violin or singing my song on the radio would make me so happy. i miss those times when i would just be happy over the little stuff. although time has changed. as you grow older you tend to have more responsibilites and more roles that you are suppose to take on, be it a mother, wife, spouse, friend, etc. i believe that you should still continue to be happy over the small stuff.. ultimately, who doesnt wish to be happy? everyone does and everyone deserves to be happy. so be it learning a new dish or a new language or just simply losing weight you should just be happy. Reason is simple because all these proves your significance in the world. Isnt that what everyone is living in this world for? To be recognised by someone. When i looked at myself at 3 yrs old or 8 yrs old i finally realised the meaning of ignorance is bliss. when you dont know the reality you feel more happy and less stress. but being blinded doesnt necessarily mean its good. If given a choice now, i will still choose to be in my own innocent world where nothing can hurt me and just be happy. I guess after so many changes in my life, i realise the thing i want the most and need the most is happiness. And that is something that no one can give me except for myself. Everyone can try to make me happy but in the end will i be happy is another matter. I have learn to look at things less significantly, im not saying that im not serious about life. I am, its just i learn to take things easy. But the happiest thing that I am feeling now is how much i have grown in regards to how people view me. People can view me in one thousand million ways but i should not let that affect me, because as long as i like the way im viewing myself that's all it matters. selfish? yes i am. but that's just life, you cant please everyone. that's not what life should be.. life should be doing things that make you happy.. like my mum, i always disliked the fact that she would stay overseas and leave me with my dad n bro. but this time round when i see how happy she is to stay in the temple and just chant throughout the day, i cant help but to feel happy for her. she told me yesterday that her shifu asked her to call me.. to check up on me.. it felt as if the gods were really hearing my prayers and sending someone to help me.. do gods really exist? i dont know but all i know is i just believe in myself. because my life is in nobody's hands except for mine. these are some quotes from John F Kennedy which i would like to share. - Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certainly to miss the future - Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - Once you say you're going to settle for second, that's what happens to you in life - Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. And man can be as big as he wants. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings. therefore i end it with your fate is in your own hands. back to top?
Wednesday, July 7, 2010 @ 6:54 PM i know i promised not to blog about him but today is really killing me. its like i was fine without you for that whole week. i let my heart died then suddenly you had to msg me, " i miss you" and screw up my whole system. I thought i could really let you go and yes im still trying to let you go. But after that msg i went back to square 1. I hate that, i hate that feeling of being so weak. the feeling of not being able to control my own feelings. i have no other choice but to let go, yes i know im psychoing myself that too.. i know i must let go.. that i must draw this line between us.. i have the chalk in my hands yet i dont have the courage to draw that line. the line that will end everything.. i cant be like this. i cant continue like this.. i have gotta stop.. i have to back out.. overall this year is a pretty bad year for me, everything is not going in order.. i just really hope that it will all be over soon.. back to top?
Saturday, July 3, 2010 @ 11:31 PM I know its a double entry again, but this post is for you. To you: If you asked me do I regret knowing you, I would not be able to give you any answer. Being the angry me I would say YES!! I hate you and I cant wait for you to get out of my life. But being the me which once loved you so much I would say no cuz no matter how tough this road was, it was my decision. Exactly 3 months and 3 days have passed and during this 3 months it was like hell breaking loose. No one knew what was happening or what the outcome would be like. But during this past few weeks the whole world changed. You stopped caring for me, stopped loving me and stopped being the man that I once fell in love with. You've changed. I know you will say , " No I still love you and I still care for you." Then if that's the case, maybe you never fell in love with me to begin with. Being with you was one of the hardest love I have ever tasted. The constant disappointments when you would back out on our dates, or the times when you couldnt even make time for me, or the times when all I needed was to hear your voice. You were never there for me. And me? All I could do was wait patiently for you to be by my side. Stupidity and a fool yet again. Being treated in that way and yet I'm still hanging on shows how much you mean to me. But so what? Its a single sided affair and that's all it will ever be. I know that if I tell you," I'm leaving." you would just say, " orh ok lor. loving someone doesnt mean you gotta possess them. " This phrase only shows how shallow this love is. If you really love someone you will try to do your best to keep them by your side so that you can protect them from this harsh reality of this world. But being you, no matter who the other party is there is no way you can protect or care for them. Reason being that you are just too obsessed with yourself. You love yourself more than you love anyone in this world. To you, you are the most important thing. I cant judge because we have different mindsets. Simply it just shows that there is no such fate that exist between us. And since that's the case there should be no other reason to keep you by my side anymore. From today onwards, you want to go Mongolia just go, you want to go prawning with a pink rod go ahead, whatever you want to do is up to you. It's your life that you have to lead. And I cant find any part of me inside your life. So I think we shall just bid our final farewell. There will be no more post on you or how much im missing you or how much im crying over the fact that you're gone. Everything about you will just disappear with a click on the del button on this keyboard. Goodbye, From me.. back to top?
@ 11:18 PM I finally managed to watch karate kid with ah dey yesterday. It's really nice but if I were to compare the original karate kid and this one.. I still prefer the one with mr miyagi. But unfortunately he passed away. After movies we went for dinner at botak jones.. thanks for the dinner :) And I realise sometimes when one gets too caught up with someone, one will tend to neglect their surroundings. I have been neglecting those things that I actually have with those things that I want to have. But now im glad that I have set my priorities straight. Isnt that what you said? Everyone has different priorities in life and guess what. Now that you are no longer part of my life, i'm glad. im really glad. will this be the final goodbye? i seriously hope so. Was singing with yi wei today at kbox and i swear that guy is the cutest ever. hahaha.. yi wei there is no flower on my head alright. but he was cute rite? ok maybe to me only. hahaha.. but i had alot of fun singing my lungs out until my throat hurts now. suddenly the song that's in my head now is by M2M, mirror mirror. the chorus is the one that really caught me. " Mirror mirror on the wall, you don't have to tell me who's the biggest fool of all. Mirror mirror I wish you could lie to me, and bring my baby back, bring my baby back to me..." This exact phrase. The irony inside this sentence.. Its like.. you know you are a fool and yet you still want to continue to be the fool. Is it worth it? Ah dey was telling me that day that what he told me is cuz he felt it was worth it. Then how do you decide if something is worth the try? Because there is no regret in the end? Or because you've learnt something from it? I really dont know. But all I can say is that like M2M, part of me still wishes that the mirror could continue to lie to me so that my baby will come back. But that's only in fairytales. In reality its just called letting go. Someone also said this to me. " what you believe to be the real truth is your judgement from what you assume is right." Yes. I agree with that. It because what you assume is right is usually a trail of reasons and facts that conclude in this assumtions. For instance, this man is being killed and all evidence shows that exhibit A is the one which killed him. Therefore in the end, we will assume base what we think is right and make our judgement from there. Isnt that how humans work? back to top?
Friday, July 2, 2010 @ 12:58 AM I know its a double entry but still.. Sometimes I really dont get what good it does to people when they gossip around people's back. I'm not saying I'm a saint cuz i do gossip. But being a gossip-monger has a limit. Recently someone said to me, "why are you hanging on to this rs when you know there is no good outcome? cuz you have no one else to hang on to that's why you hang on to this life bouy?" So what i told him is, " then what makes you think that the next rs that i encounter will have a good outcome? no one can guarentee anything in this world." can you guarentee that the slimming tea that you drink really works? are you sure its the tea which is helping you or a change in lifestyle routine? so back to the story, he came and said "so this rs can guarentee a gd ending? no wonder wad ur batch girl say about you is true." ok now you have really ticked me off. in what way does my love life is of concern to you may I ask? be it that im being cheated or hurt does it help you in any way? im sorry to say that no matter how much you may seem to care about me im sorry, IM JUST NOT INTO YOU. do i make myself clear enough? and oh please save yourself some face and not go around acting like a 38 yr old saint. if you shd worry, maybe you should start worrying about your own love life. 40 and not married, it shows a hell lot of things. and another thing.. those batch girls that you were talking about. which girls do you know? apart from those during the attachments and who are in dem now. hmm.. and what right do these girls have to comment about me when in the actual fact is that they dont know any fuck about me. so why not do yourself and everyone a favour and stop tryin to act like a 18yr old boy alright. its really fucking disgusting and revolting i must add. and you telling me forget that you even said that. if i shd forget that you even say that then why do u in the 1st place wanna comment something like that. you thought that by commenting i would think that oh you are so concern about me, asking ppl abt the type of person i am. Im sorry i think that just plain childish. if you wanna noe abt me why not try to ask me? maybe i would tell you abt the things i like or wad turns me on and off.. hmm.. isnt that what you are after anyways. think about your childish attitude when i reject your offer to stay overnight at a chalet with you alone time after time. and now you tell me, " i promised her not to say and besides she was a little drunk." thank you but i dont need to noe the contents of you trying to hit on someone 10 or more years younger than you. and i definitely no need to know that you are so protective over her. it doesnt make me jealous. it just makes me feel very worried for her that she is in the hands of a wolf. a wolf in sheep clothings. as simple as that. alright. so i would really appreciate if you could kindly get the fuck out of my life and bring along your little girl too.. back to top?
Thursday, July 1, 2010 @ 11:47 PM watching tv today and its funny how dramas are not totally unrealistic to a certain extent. Like in the channel 8 show, the 9 pm one when the guy is so crazy about the female to the extent whereby he does so much to win her over and gain her trust. In reality do guys like these still exist? Maybe somewhere out in the world, deep in the oceans or above the highest mountain I can still find guys who will give me the respect and love that I truly exist. But right now apprently infront of me there are none. starts to think are my expectations too high? while watching desperate housewives, there was this saying there goes something like this, " everyone is judging everyone from what they see without knowing the real truth. And you will only start to judge yourself and your actions when you have truly taken a step back and view the whole picture." Upon knowing the whole story and judging yourself will you still continue that mistake? That's one answer that no one except for you needs to know. Does true love still exist in this world? Is it something which is still important to me? Is it something which I care for with all that I have? No. Its not. Thinking back on all the things that have been happening in my life, the trips that I have taken, people I have met and things that I have seen. Love is just a small part in this world. But being as small as it seems, its not unimportant. While watching "stars for a cause" where darren and evelyn went to mumbai and tried their best to help those street kids steer away from drug addiction and self mutilation made me realise that although how small love plays a part in a person's life, it is still deemed as important. Some of these kids become the way they are due to the lack of love that they were given in their own homes. Some of these kids get abused, be it mentally, emotionally or even physically. And because of these constant abuse they turn to self mutilation and drug addiction to cope with the pain and sufferings they are faced with. Is this right? NO its not. Coping with pain, suffering, or even poverty are parts and parcels of life and true to say everyone has their own way of dealing with it. Through these mutilations and drugs what do they learn? They learn how to be unhappy with life, they learn how to vent out the frustrations on themselves. But once they are able to take a step out of this , then they will truly learn the art of appreciating life itself. Life being as tough or fucked up as it is doesnt mean that we should be angry at it. When things doesnt go right, why not stop what you are doing and take a deep breath. And look at all the things that you have. Life is not forever, who knows it may be over the next day for some but that shouldnt stop us from being happy and doing things that brings happiness to the people around us. back to top?
@ 2:00 AM Wont christmas come early this year? Recently chance upon this olympus ep-1 on xia xue's blog and the functions are amazing. I love the pinhole camera effect as well as the grainy film. Yi wei, was this the one that you were talking about that day? Now I also wish I can have a huge paycheck from somewhere so I can get this. I'm not saying my canon one is bad but this camera looks really pretty and rugged. Its sooo cute.. Shall start saving from I dont know where either. Hope money will really start to drop from the skies somewhere. I was reading the newspaper today and I forgot which country where this lady was fired from citybank as she posed as a disturbance to her male collegues due to the fact that she is pretty. I mean seriously? Getting fired for looking like a vixen? I understand that citybank has to do well as it is a well known bank afterall. But blaming her for the drop in productivity of the work from the male deparment is just simply ridiculous. I think the fault lies with men. Men are born to be lecherous and love to oogle at the sight of pretty women. I'm not being a feminist and saying that females dont, but at least we get out work done and are not affected. I still think that she should not have been fired. If the men job performance can be affected by the mere sight of pretty women, then is it right to say that men dies in the hands of a women? This only shows how weak humans are when it comes to temptations. Correct me if I am wrong. In ancient Greek there is a legend known as the Odessey and from what I remember is that during that period when men travel out to sea they will never return due to the sights and sounds from the nymphs. This also proves my other fact that the way to the men's heart isnt his stomach but his eyes. I use to think that not all men are alike and that there are still some good ones around. Maybe there still are, except these type of men are either unavailable or extinct. Well its just I'm not ready to meet them yet. But after concurrent incidents, it suddenly dawn upon me that all male are the same. There is no running from the truth. They are realistic creatures who will stay with you for certain reasons. Some common reasons would be sex, responsibility, money and sometimes because there is nowhere else to go. Recently I saw a post on this forum whereby this girl says, " men will never leave their wives." True to a certain extent. In her story, her uncle left his wife for the mistress however as time pass the uncle has another affair. You see, when the mistress status has been upgraded to the wife, it simply leaves a new opening for the place "mistress". Understand what I mean? Ok, back to the uncle having another affair. This time he had an affair with the ex wife. Irony of how men are not able to leave their wives. However, this is not the case of the majority as some men really do leave their wives and live happily with their mistress. I'm not saying that straying men are setting a good example in this society. I'm just saying that as long as he knows what he is getting into we should not judge. Because we never know what is the truth behind the affairs. So in this society now where everyone is judging each other base on values and mindsets that we are taught. Is this right? I used to think that there was only black and white in this world but as I grow older I realised that the shades of grey that hide deep inside this society holds the higher power. There is hardly anymore right or wrong in this world. For eg, killing is a wrong thing no matter what reason it is. But what if it was for protection? mental condition which made him kill? Does that make a wrong thing right? Almost everything in this world can be twisted around. Is there anymore righteousness in this world anymore? p.s sorry for digressing from the camera. :p back to top?