Cold Nostalgia

i'm just a simple girl living in this not so simple world. Nothing much to say about me except i love my life, every single day of it. `Life's like a rollercoaster :) *pictures derived from deviantart and sayingimages

Sunday, May 30, 2010 @ 1:55 AM

p.s. Thanks love for all the attention

that you have given me despite all the

things you are going through now.

@ 12:41 AM

The school which created my childhood.
Thinking back at the times, i really do miss it alot.

The P.E lessons, the chior, ochestra and band lessons. They are just memories that will stay with me throughout.

Had a chat with a friend today,
started to miss her real bad and the times we spent in the past.
We were reminiscing about the time I stayed over at her house and her mum cooked pig trotter for us.

The stayovers at Amanda's and the best mudcakes in the whole entire world which is made by her dear granny. But granny passed away a few years ago. And her cat, Velvet, which I hated so much. The quarrels I had with her because of kyle. It was really hillarious.

And the carwash, raking leaves and shovelling snow that we would do just to earn that extra allowance. The snowball fights with the whole entire neighbourhood involved. The hanging out after school at my house. Those were really the days.

Now when I look at all of them, everyone has changed. Everyone is moving forward. Amanda is doing archeology, Christine doing law, Rina working at school, Seil in the army, Kazuki in Japan's top University and the list continues. And the most shocking is to find that my dear friend Kachina has a baby boy. It suddenly occurred to me that I dont have that much time left. Everyone I know is finishing their degree and yet I haven even started. I feel so ashamed of myself seriously. And during graduation when this girl had straight distinction and passed out with a GPA of 4.0. I felt really horrible inside. I knew i could have done better but I didnt.

But its ok, I still have one more chance and this time round I want to excel. I want to do something which will make myself proud. Proud that I am able to achieve something in life. I mean that's life right? Moving forward.

Was at home today googling for a few private schools which offer psychology. And in the end i have decide to go with SIM's double major in psychology and communications under University of Buffalo. I wouldn't mind going to UB during my 3rd year. Isnt that the dream of the majority? To live in the big apple. I love to travel, I love psychology and I love mental health and definitely I love action. So right now I really dont know what I want. But I know in order to mould my future, I have to take the 1st step, which is get a degree.

Saturday, May 29, 2010 @ 1:55 AM

Finally bought the heels that I was eyeing since last year.
I know its abit out of fashion and its not really nice,
but it has alot of straps meaning that it will cover up the boneyness of my feet.

Although i have been eyeing the pair from pazzio for also a long time,
but that pair is super ex, around $79.90.
It's not like I open a bank so i'm not going to spend that much on heels at the moment.
Maybe next time when I marry a millionaire.

Recently have been spending quite alot on shopping,
with denim skirt from zara,
top from forever 21,
sandals from gap,
makeup from benefit,
and heels from image turn.

However,
there is more stuff to be bought
once my paycheck is here.

Friday, May 28, 2010 @ 12:39 AM

Where am I to find the keys to open up the door to your life?
The one that is invisible to the world,
but which you hold on so tightly on to.

Every time I take a step closer, you close the door tighter.
Every time I try to understand, you brush my concerns away.
Every time I try to care, you seem so indifferent.

Tell me what I can do to make you feel better,
to take away all of your pain and sorrows.
To give you nothing but happiness and love.

Why is it that God likes to play games on us,

to see us suffer in our own fate.
To let us drown in our own misery and pain.
Where is Ero,
the one who is suppose to make everything better.
Ero,
where have you disappeared to?

Wednesday, May 26, 2010 @ 10:54 PM

Finally i gradated from poly. haha.. never regret going today. managed to take a few photos with my besties and some teachers..

Realised that i do miss nursing life and that this 3 years has passed so fast. all the kissing of manekins, the exams, the little notes before tests, the sleeping and skipping classes.. the luxury of enjoying time.. now when i enter the work force, i cant take as much mc as i like, cant skip work cuz i dont want to wake up. haha.. all those nonsense.. life is starting to change and i hope that i will be ready for what is to come..

another thing i have been thinking recently is trust.. why is it so hard to trust someone? you tell me that you dont trust i can take care of myself.. then if i cant take care of myself, how did i manage to survive all these years? just of one mistake and you condamn that i cant take care of myself. isnt that being a little too much?

As time pass, i realise that the past is reviving itself, unrolling itself infront of me again.. all the things that i were running from, all the things that i did not want to face are all coming back again. why? testing my patience or testing the love? i really dont understand why life has to be so complicated. cant everyone just be happy and enjoy life?

a friend told me today how much they wanted to be single again. haha.. then i started to think. being single sometimes have its benefits. no worries, no obligations, no headache, no saddness, no heart pain no nothing. but when you are single, there will be no one there to lend you a shoulder, to hug you close when you are down or cold, to love you with all they have.. that is why the saying exist, " the grass is always greener on the other side" How green is it no one truely knows because when they are there, they will think the new pasture opposite is greener.. this just shows how shallow life is and how uncontented people are with life..

but sometimes its hard to be contented dont you tink? when you just want something really bad and its there for u to enjoy but its not really yours. how contented can you force yourself to be? this is life, not matter what there is nothing genuine about it.. everything is fake, everything is a lie, everything is made up and everything is forced.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010 @ 11:52 PM

Love has taken off yet again. how will i survive this one week without him by my side? hmm.. i think i can survive pretty well.

how come the sudden change? im not sure either, but yes i still have those rollercoaster moments but im learning. learning to be more independent so that love can concentrate more on his career.

wanted to surprise him today at the airport but in the end still couldnt give him the card that i wanted to give. a little disappointed cuz i could have asked him to tell the group that he needed to go toilet and i could just pass to him.. all i wanted was to pass it to him, no need for other frilly stuff like hugs and stuff..

talking about surprises, love actually gave me a surprise i would never forget. haha.. its those surprise you dont know whether to feel angry or sad or happy those type. but nonetheless, love thanks for putting in so much effort into giving me this surprise. i really appreciate it alot. and i want to keep appreciating you and all the things you have done to keep me by your side.

i know i am not exactly the easiest person to handle especially when my emotions are concerned, but bravo to you. still cant believe that you have so much patience with me.. but promise me k, dont be like "papa" your bro and ignore me..

p.s. i hope that with each passing day, our love will grow and that the mutual trust and understanding between us will be stronger. i really hope i have the chance to grow old with you and give you little commandos. can i?

Friday, May 21, 2010 @ 9:56 PM

back from krabi safe and sound. it was sooo much fun. thanks love for always bringing me to places.

when we first reach krabi airport i though, "huh? this is an airport?" it was seriously worse than the one in chennai.. i was really amazed.

this was a really great trip, it was like my virginity trip u noe.. sounds wrong but dont think it in the wrong way. cuz you see.. it was the 1st time i snorkelled despite being afraid of such a big open space as well as school of fishes. 1st time i was stung by a non-poisionous jellyfish. 1st time i road on a speed boat and it was a hell of a ride.. 1st time getting carried to shore by my baywatch bodyguard.. 1st time i drove a motorbike but meanie love didnt dare sit on it. hurmp.. lucky he didnt cuz i crashed the bike.. lucky the bike was ok if not extra charges.. haha.. 1st time i drove an AVT.. overturn it while i was making a sharp turn.. lucky nothing happen to me.. and my fav. which was the main highlight of this trip was the WHITE RIVER RAFTING.. it was the most fun thing that i have ever done.. the most exhilerating thing i have ever done in my whole life. and we also kayak around hong island.. and i did help love kayak ok.. cept that my tiny little arms gave way and i got tired.. but i did help paddle.. despite cracking the tip of the paddle.. haha.. i guess im just too accident prone..

but still nonetheless, you dont have to worry about me cuz i can take care of myself ok. so all you gotta do is work hard and earn more money to support ur fat tummy.. :P

aniways just came back from ip man 2 with love.. like finally right.. and OMG. donnie yan is super uber hot.. he is just on the same wavelenght with my johnny depp..

now i feel that love is loving me more and more.. maybe cuz of my new hair.. haha.. but really when he looked at me with those eyes just now.. my heart just smiled.. and i realise at that point how much i wanted to be part of his life.. 3 mths down the road, 8 mths, 1 yr, 5 yrs, will i still be part of his life? i really dont know. but all i know is that right now, i dont even want to waste any second spent with him cuz time with him is already limited enough. and i just wanna treasure every milisecond of it. but then during the trip he so fierce.. glared at me twice and tsk me twice.. i will never ever forget that.. super scary.. there are also things in the trip that i wished i didnt remember but i know that impossible unless i suffer a concussion now. haha.

Thursday, May 13, 2010 @ 9:14 AM

everyone tells me that.. tells me that this is not real and that it will just end in tears and misery. But you know something, i decided that even if its going to end in tears, the process is going to be a beautiful one.

these few days of neglect from you made me wonder if i am able to spend this type of life. the type where you have time then will call me. i realised that i can but for long? not sure. but all i need is for you to just tell me that you will be busy at work because why why why, and im okay. dont just suddenly disappear. for that, i will kill you. hahaha.

i believe in you. i believe in us. i believe that this will all work out and give me an equation = happy ending. i seriously believe in that. from the way you tell me how much i mean to you, how much you love me and how much you care. i do believe. even if its just words. but logically speaking, if i dont matter to you at all, you could jolly well pack your bags and leave but you decided to bunk in awhile longer. thats cuz you simply love me. and that answer is enough.

cuz love, you matter alot to me too :)

Sunday, May 9, 2010 @ 8:15 PM

that's all i need right now.. a hug to know that everything will be fine..

@ 2:29 PM

yep this is what i feel everyday at this point in time. its so contradicting. i believe in this but there is still another thing as being true to yourself.

so since if i want to be true to myself shouldnt i say what i feel instead of thinking what i want to say?

but its hard, sometimes when you say too much, all you bring to the other party is irritation and stress. then you will start to ask yourself, why am i doing all these? why am i giving so much unhappiness to the other party when all you want is for them is to be happy and feel loved. but when you dont say, you will tend to keep everything inside of you and this in turn cause you to be unhappy.

so now ask yourself. what is your choice? would you rather gulp down all the unhappiness and things you want to say or would you rather be true to yourself and risk the one who you care so much to be unhappy.

but no matter what choice you choose in the end, just remember you are incharge of your own happiness.

@ 1:14 AM

i really do and that is how much i miss you.

Friday, May 7, 2010 @ 11:31 PM

its time to say goodbye..

goodbyes to the things that never belonged..

goodbyes to the times when i felt safe..

goodbyes to all the happiness that i once felt..

goodbyes to all the love we once shared..

goodbyes to all the memories that we shared.

goodbyes to all the resting on shoulders..

goodbyes to all the bloster hugs that we love..

goodbyes to all the time which i save for you..

in short.. its time to say goodbye to a fantasy which dont belong..

@ 4:35 PM

happened to chance upon this guy.. nick vujicic.. after watching his video on youtube, i cant help but want to give him a tight hug. for a guy without hands nor legs, and yet can be so optimistic about life. honestly, i feel so ashamed by myself.

in the video he said, " people always think about what they want and what they dont have, they never think about what they really have." so now my turn to ask myself.. " what do i really have?" A family, my baby, a shelter, basic necessities, etc.. then why am i asking for so much in life?

the best answer for that is simply greed. everyone has greed somewhere in their dna, its just a matter of material, emotional, physical etc.. for me its emotional. why? maybe cuz i felt that all my life i was alone, that i had no one to depend on.. and once i did, i was hurt. something along that line i guess.. thats why i think i suffer from some emotional imbalance where i want to depend yet afraid to get hurt. i mean you cant have it both ways, either you do or you dont.. choice is yours.

had a chat with my collegue today and she enlighten me. haha.. i told her if i were to marry a man.. i will make sure that he will be there during the whole 9 mths of my pregnancy and will wake up in the middle of the night and satisfy my cravings. haha.. she laughed and said, " you think you are in some dreamland? this is reality, there is no guy in this world who will do that unless he loves you alot alot alot.. and usually these guys are rare and extinct." after hearing that i started to think am i still in the fairytale relationship, looking for romance? according to her younger generations like me look for romance, while older guys tend to focus more on work.. she told me that to guys who are older, they dont have the time or feel there is a need to msg or call everyday. its not like you have a million and one things to say to each other.. true but still.. if they dont call you in the

beginning of the rs wont you think that they dont love you?

i guess generation is important and the age gap between you and your SO cant be too drastic or else there is generation gap. and if there is i guess both party have to do their part. the younger one has to be more matured whereby the older one has to have more patience and explaining and letting the younger one understand what is right and wrong and why are things the way they are. if in the beginning of a relationship, both party cant understand each other, how the hell will it last..

Thursday, May 6, 2010 @ 6:53 PM

how would you ever know the person who loves you the most is the one standing right infront of you?

i guess i dont but i know that love is not my cup of tea. dont like the way i love a person, the way that i care for a person. it just seems so wrong. the care that i give is just a burden to the other party. if that is the case, should i stop loving?

talked to him today about what i feel, i know that i am irritating him more these days and the my mood and emotions are getting unstable by the day. i know. but what can i do?

after today i realise that sometimes talking doesnt help. that talking is just going round in circles until both parties agree on a specific point. that talking is just a waste of time. what is the point in talking when there is no ending? where there is no change/result? what is the point in thinking so much when there is no point. when the facts are laid in alphabetic orders right before your eyes and yet all you want to do is overlook everything. if that is the case why bother looking at the facts in the first place.

why cant i get a grip on myself? why cant i stop putting burden on other people? why cant i just grow up? by being matured in love, does it mean that both of you dont have to always talk as long as both of you know that you love each other. is that enough? but how do you know when in the beginning you all dont even talk. suddenly dont see the point in love or life. dont see why people, namely me, have to over think about everything.

what happened to being happy with the person who you loves is the only thing that matters? is that even realiable, that thought of just being happy. by just being happy and that nothing else matters is a immature thing. cuz it doesnt exist. love compromises of alot of things and not just happiness. and that day will come when you realise there is no more happiness in your love life, what happens next? what will be the next thing that you can hold on to? memories? what if you have alziemers and forget everything? feelings? feeling fades with time..

so what is it that makes you want to hold on to that ONE relationship?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010 @ 7:55 PM

hate being sick..

@ 2:06 PM

thinking back that the time when you cared, at the times when everything seemed so real.. it does bother me abit i guess.. cuz right now i have problem differienatiting what is real and what is fake.

does wanting a status necessarily means bad? does that make me greedy? selfish? am i selfish by wanting him to be only mine.. by not sharing him with anyone out there.. or does it show that i love him too much for him to leave? still ends with selfishness.. humans are selfish by nature.. right?

times when i feel like leaving.. feel like just letting go.. i cant.. feel like just being the old me.. the one who doesnt have the whole world staring at her.. just want to go back to the period in time when i was just invisible.. but that's impossible.. the world is moving and i just gotta learn how to keep up with it..

thinking about how much she matters to you still aches my heart a little.. sometimes it just feels like putting iodine on an open wound.. sometimes a slap on the face.. but most of the time it feels like a lifeless soul within me.. makes me feel that i have lost my conscience, my rights to be a good person.. makes me feel so horrible inside.. a wrecker, a destroyer or whatever you wanna call it..

so why am i still continuing this destroyer's path? materialistic gains? the feeling of showing off? the freshness of a new relationship? or simply just love? is that possible to continue because of the word love? when love is the one thing that doesnt last in this world.. one thing that is so dangerous to hold on to.. is it still possible?

Sunday, May 2, 2010 @ 11:25 PM

tml will be the 1st day without him in my life again.. i dont know how i will ever survive that 24 hrs and counting.. suddenly i feel my world has shattered into a million pieces.. and the screen infront of me is blurring with every word i type.. i dont know what have i done.. i am starting to regret everything i have just said.. but i know there is nthing i can do to take those words back.. there is no turning back..

Saturday, May 1, 2010 @ 11:46 PM

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

.......................................

so what is a soulmate? A fated person to play a certain role in someone else's life? but how do you find a soul mate.. according to wikiHow, it says..

1. be the person you would love to love.. then i think to myself.. would i want to love me? hmm.. tough question.. actually no i would not want to love me.. cuz im irritating.. i cant think.. i think too much.. its too mentally draining to be with someone like me.. actually its just tiring to just be me..

2. rmb that your soulmate might not be what you expect them to be..

3. be patient... this is something that i can never achieve.. i give up at the slightest stuff.. i give up when i sense no hope.. cuz i am afraid.. afraid of being hurt..

4. Accept people for who they are, not who you want them to be... hmm.. do i achieve that? not sure..

5. Weather the storms.. i guess i can do that? not sure.. not much storms before..

so am i ready for a soulmate?

@ 11:12 PM

went out with my lovelies today.. argh.. feet pain.. toe pain.. totally going to throw my pair of heels.. but abit heart pain to throw it away cuz its the only heels i have.. at least must find another pair first.. saw one at pazzio ( is that how u spell it ) but its sooo expensive.. if i buy, 1/4 of my pay cheque will fly along with it.. still considering.. thou its really nice and it does make my legs look longer and thinner.. maybe cuz of what i wear today.. cant believe i look so matured today.. i think i was mad to wear smthing lk that.. but ok la.. once in a while.. hehe..

met hz today at far east.. saw a really nice nice nice nice nice very nice dress.. after discount 42.90.. no money to buy also.. but its really nice. a simple little black dress.. sleeveless with shoulder padding.. but one thing not good is that its short.. hahaha.. its slightly shorter then the one i wore today.. but its really nice.. and special thing is the back.. but anyways.. just bought a bracelet today.. quite nice.. hahha.. anyways went back to the shop i bought the couple ring last time.. still think the designs are special.. haha..

aniways had a longgggg talk with my dear hui zi and guess it time to grow up.. fantasies dont exist in this world, only reality.. and reality is that i am what i am so just have to act like what i am.. its just like dont be a rose when you are just a daisy.. just gotta face reality thats all..

after that went to blue mountain cafe at 313 to meet that ms fly kite (aka ying ).. she was super late and it was super pai seh to sit there and wait for her.. hahah.. but ok la.. the coffee there was not super WOW.. just normal.. but super happy.. finally got the maggie from indonesia.. hehe.. thx ying.. after that wanted to go look for heels but couldnt find any more.. so in the end took train home.. but ended up talking with ying then went to paya lebar to drink coffee bean and chit chat.. had super much fun talking to her.. and make me think alot also.. but it was fun.. and you still owe me ok.. my big abalone and shark fin meal.. by next countdown.. so you can prepare for it le.. wwahahah..

talking about countdown.. i think every year countdown i would count with my one and only yi wei.. heheh.. so yi wei.. this year.. keep it for me also k.. hahaha.. i book u le.. bleh.. then we shall go downtown again n ur hse slpover.. hahaha.. as usual..

been thinking about something lately.. smthing which have been bugging me for sometime already.. but what is the point in thinking when there is no answer? or when you have the ans but dont want to face up to it? then there is no point. and another thing.. why do people still want to walk on that string which has so many loops..

maybe cuz.. the grass is always greener on the other side.. so when the grass becomes dull do you go and look for a greener pasture? or do you stick to that bald patch of field?

affiliates YI WEI SHERI PRIS SANDRA SHAWN CHERYL YING'S BLOGSHOP PRIS'S BLOGSHOP
Sunday, May 30, 2010 @ 1:55 AM p.s. Thanks love for all the attention that you have given me despite all the things you are going through now. back to top?
@ 12:41 AM The school which created my childhood. Thinking back at the times, i really do miss it alot. The P.E lessons, the chior, ochestra and band lessons. They are just memories that will stay with me throughout. Had a chat with a friend today, started to miss her real bad and the times we spent in the past. We were reminiscing about the time I stayed over at her house and her mum cooked pig trotter for us. The stayovers at Amanda's and the best mudcakes in the whole entire world which is made by her dear granny. But granny passed away a few years ago. And her cat, Velvet, which I hated so much. The quarrels I had with her because of kyle. It was really hillarious. And the carwash, raking leaves and shovelling snow that we would do just to earn that extra allowance. The snowball fights with the whole entire neighbourhood involved. The hanging out after school at my house. Those were really the days. Now when I look at all of them, everyone has changed. Everyone is moving forward. Amanda is doing archeology, Christine doing law, Rina working at school, Seil in the army, Kazuki in Japan's top University and the list continues. And the most shocking is to find that my dear friend Kachina has a baby boy. It suddenly occurred to me that I dont have that much time left. Everyone I know is finishing their degree and yet I haven even started. I feel so ashamed of myself seriously. And during graduation when this girl had straight distinction and passed out with a GPA of 4.0. I felt really horrible inside. I knew i could have done better but I didnt. But its ok, I still have one more chance and this time round I want to excel. I want to do something which will make myself proud. Proud that I am able to achieve something in life. I mean that's life right? Moving forward. Was at home today googling for a few private schools which offer psychology. And in the end i have decide to go with SIM's double major in psychology and communications under University of Buffalo. I wouldn't mind going to UB during my 3rd year. Isnt that the dream of the majority? To live in the big apple. I love to travel, I love psychology and I love mental health and definitely I love action. So right now I really dont know what I want. But I know in order to mould my future, I have to take the 1st step, which is get a degree. back to top?
Saturday, May 29, 2010 @ 1:55 AM Finally bought the heels that I was eyeing since last year. I know its abit out of fashion and its not really nice, but it has alot of straps meaning that it will cover up the boneyness of my feet. Although i have been eyeing the pair from pazzio for also a long time, but that pair is super ex, around $79.90. It's not like I open a bank so i'm not going to spend that much on heels at the moment. Maybe next time when I marry a millionaire. Recently have been spending quite alot on shopping, with denim skirt from zara, top from forever 21, sandals from gap, makeup from benefit, and heels from image turn. However, there is more stuff to be bought once my paycheck is here. back to top?
Friday, May 28, 2010 @ 12:39 AM Where am I to find the keys to open up the door to your life? The one that is invisible to the world, but which you hold on so tightly on to. Every time I take a step closer, you close the door tighter. Every time I try to understand, you brush my concerns away. Every time I try to care, you seem so indifferent. Tell me what I can do to make you feel better, to take away all of your pain and sorrows. To give you nothing but happiness and love. Why is it that God likes to play games on us, to see us suffer in our own fate. To let us drown in our own misery and pain. Where is Ero, the one who is suppose to make everything better. Ero, where have you disappeared to? back to top?
Wednesday, May 26, 2010 @ 10:54 PM Finally i gradated from poly. haha.. never regret going today. managed to take a few photos with my besties and some teachers.. Realised that i do miss nursing life and that this 3 years has passed so fast. all the kissing of manekins, the exams, the little notes before tests, the sleeping and skipping classes.. the luxury of enjoying time.. now when i enter the work force, i cant take as much mc as i like, cant skip work cuz i dont want to wake up. haha.. all those nonsense.. life is starting to change and i hope that i will be ready for what is to come.. another thing i have been thinking recently is trust.. why is it so hard to trust someone? you tell me that you dont trust i can take care of myself.. then if i cant take care of myself, how did i manage to survive all these years? just of one mistake and you condamn that i cant take care of myself. isnt that being a little too much? As time pass, i realise that the past is reviving itself, unrolling itself infront of me again.. all the things that i were running from, all the things that i did not want to face are all coming back again. why? testing my patience or testing the love? i really dont understand why life has to be so complicated. cant everyone just be happy and enjoy life? a friend told me today how much they wanted to be single again. haha.. then i started to think. being single sometimes have its benefits. no worries, no obligations, no headache, no saddness, no heart pain no nothing. but when you are single, there will be no one there to lend you a shoulder, to hug you close when you are down or cold, to love you with all they have.. that is why the saying exist, " the grass is always greener on the other side" How green is it no one truely knows because when they are there, they will think the new pasture opposite is greener.. this just shows how shallow life is and how uncontented people are with life.. but sometimes its hard to be contented dont you tink? when you just want something really bad and its there for u to enjoy but its not really yours. how contented can you force yourself to be? this is life, not matter what there is nothing genuine about it.. everything is fake, everything is a lie, everything is made up and everything is forced. back to top?
Tuesday, May 25, 2010 @ 11:52 PM Love has taken off yet again. how will i survive this one week without him by my side? hmm.. i think i can survive pretty well. how come the sudden change? im not sure either, but yes i still have those rollercoaster moments but im learning. learning to be more independent so that love can concentrate more on his career. wanted to surprise him today at the airport but in the end still couldnt give him the card that i wanted to give. a little disappointed cuz i could have asked him to tell the group that he needed to go toilet and i could just pass to him.. all i wanted was to pass it to him, no need for other frilly stuff like hugs and stuff.. talking about surprises, love actually gave me a surprise i would never forget. haha.. its those surprise you dont know whether to feel angry or sad or happy those type. but nonetheless, love thanks for putting in so much effort into giving me this surprise. i really appreciate it alot. and i want to keep appreciating you and all the things you have done to keep me by your side. i know i am not exactly the easiest person to handle especially when my emotions are concerned, but bravo to you. still cant believe that you have so much patience with me.. but promise me k, dont be like "papa" your bro and ignore me.. p.s. i hope that with each passing day, our love will grow and that the mutual trust and understanding between us will be stronger. i really hope i have the chance to grow old with you and give you little commandos. can i? back to top?
Friday, May 21, 2010 @ 9:56 PM back from krabi safe and sound. it was sooo much fun. thanks love for always bringing me to places. when we first reach krabi airport i though, "huh? this is an airport?" it was seriously worse than the one in chennai.. i was really amazed. this was a really great trip, it was like my virginity trip u noe.. sounds wrong but dont think it in the wrong way. cuz you see.. it was the 1st time i snorkelled despite being afraid of such a big open space as well as school of fishes. 1st time i was stung by a non-poisionous jellyfish. 1st time i road on a speed boat and it was a hell of a ride.. 1st time getting carried to shore by my baywatch bodyguard.. 1st time i drove a motorbike but meanie love didnt dare sit on it. hurmp.. lucky he didnt cuz i crashed the bike.. lucky the bike was ok if not extra charges.. haha.. 1st time i drove an AVT.. overturn it while i was making a sharp turn.. lucky nothing happen to me.. and my fav. which was the main highlight of this trip was the WHITE RIVER RAFTING.. it was the most fun thing that i have ever done.. the most exhilerating thing i have ever done in my whole life. and we also kayak around hong island.. and i did help love kayak ok.. cept that my tiny little arms gave way and i got tired.. but i did help paddle.. despite cracking the tip of the paddle.. haha.. i guess im just too accident prone.. but still nonetheless, you dont have to worry about me cuz i can take care of myself ok. so all you gotta do is work hard and earn more money to support ur fat tummy.. :P aniways just came back from ip man 2 with love.. like finally right.. and OMG. donnie yan is super uber hot.. he is just on the same wavelenght with my johnny depp.. now i feel that love is loving me more and more.. maybe cuz of my new hair.. haha.. but really when he looked at me with those eyes just now.. my heart just smiled.. and i realise at that point how much i wanted to be part of his life.. 3 mths down the road, 8 mths, 1 yr, 5 yrs, will i still be part of his life? i really dont know. but all i know is that right now, i dont even want to waste any second spent with him cuz time with him is already limited enough. and i just wanna treasure every milisecond of it. but then during the trip he so fierce.. glared at me twice and tsk me twice.. i will never ever forget that.. super scary.. there are also things in the trip that i wished i didnt remember but i know that impossible unless i suffer a concussion now. haha. back to top?
Thursday, May 13, 2010 @ 9:14 AM everyone tells me that.. tells me that this is not real and that it will just end in tears and misery. But you know something, i decided that even if its going to end in tears, the process is going to be a beautiful one. these few days of neglect from you made me wonder if i am able to spend this type of life. the type where you have time then will call me. i realised that i can but for long? not sure. but all i need is for you to just tell me that you will be busy at work because why why why, and im okay. dont just suddenly disappear. for that, i will kill you. hahaha. i believe in you. i believe in us. i believe that this will all work out and give me an equation = happy ending. i seriously believe in that. from the way you tell me how much i mean to you, how much you love me and how much you care. i do believe. even if its just words. but logically speaking, if i dont matter to you at all, you could jolly well pack your bags and leave but you decided to bunk in awhile longer. thats cuz you simply love me. and that answer is enough. cuz love, you matter alot to me too :) back to top?
Sunday, May 9, 2010 @ 8:15 PM that's all i need right now.. a hug to know that everything will be fine.. back to top?
@ 2:29 PM yep this is what i feel everyday at this point in time. its so contradicting. i believe in this but there is still another thing as being true to yourself. so since if i want to be true to myself shouldnt i say what i feel instead of thinking what i want to say? but its hard, sometimes when you say too much, all you bring to the other party is irritation and stress. then you will start to ask yourself, why am i doing all these? why am i giving so much unhappiness to the other party when all you want is for them is to be happy and feel loved. but when you dont say, you will tend to keep everything inside of you and this in turn cause you to be unhappy. so now ask yourself. what is your choice? would you rather gulp down all the unhappiness and things you want to say or would you rather be true to yourself and risk the one who you care so much to be unhappy. but no matter what choice you choose in the end, just remember you are incharge of your own happiness. back to top?
@ 1:14 AM i really do and that is how much i miss you. back to top?
Friday, May 7, 2010 @ 11:31 PM its time to say goodbye.. goodbyes to the things that never belonged.. goodbyes to the times when i felt safe.. goodbyes to all the happiness that i once felt.. goodbyes to all the love we once shared.. goodbyes to all the memories that we shared. goodbyes to all the resting on shoulders.. goodbyes to all the bloster hugs that we love.. goodbyes to all the time which i save for you.. in short.. its time to say goodbye to a fantasy which dont belong.. back to top?
@ 4:35 PM happened to chance upon this guy.. nick vujicic.. after watching his video on youtube, i cant help but want to give him a tight hug. for a guy without hands nor legs, and yet can be so optimistic about life. honestly, i feel so ashamed by myself. in the video he said, " people always think about what they want and what they dont have, they never think about what they really have." so now my turn to ask myself.. " what do i really have?" A family, my baby, a shelter, basic necessities, etc.. then why am i asking for so much in life? the best answer for that is simply greed. everyone has greed somewhere in their dna, its just a matter of material, emotional, physical etc.. for me its emotional. why? maybe cuz i felt that all my life i was alone, that i had no one to depend on.. and once i did, i was hurt. something along that line i guess.. thats why i think i suffer from some emotional imbalance where i want to depend yet afraid to get hurt. i mean you cant have it both ways, either you do or you dont.. choice is yours. had a chat with my collegue today and she enlighten me. haha.. i told her if i were to marry a man.. i will make sure that he will be there during the whole 9 mths of my pregnancy and will wake up in the middle of the night and satisfy my cravings. haha.. she laughed and said, " you think you are in some dreamland? this is reality, there is no guy in this world who will do that unless he loves you alot alot alot.. and usually these guys are rare and extinct." after hearing that i started to think am i still in the fairytale relationship, looking for romance? according to her younger generations like me look for romance, while older guys tend to focus more on work.. she told me that to guys who are older, they dont have the time or feel there is a need to msg or call everyday. its not like you have a million and one things to say to each other.. true but still.. if they dont call you in the beginning of the rs wont you think that they dont love you? i guess generation is important and the age gap between you and your SO cant be too drastic or else there is generation gap. and if there is i guess both party have to do their part. the younger one has to be more matured whereby the older one has to have more patience and explaining and letting the younger one understand what is right and wrong and why are things the way they are. if in the beginning of a relationship, both party cant understand each other, how the hell will it last.. back to top?
Thursday, May 6, 2010 @ 6:53 PM how would you ever know the person who loves you the most is the one standing right infront of you? i guess i dont but i know that love is not my cup of tea. dont like the way i love a person, the way that i care for a person. it just seems so wrong. the care that i give is just a burden to the other party. if that is the case, should i stop loving? talked to him today about what i feel, i know that i am irritating him more these days and the my mood and emotions are getting unstable by the day. i know. but what can i do? after today i realise that sometimes talking doesnt help. that talking is just going round in circles until both parties agree on a specific point. that talking is just a waste of time. what is the point in talking when there is no ending? where there is no change/result? what is the point in thinking so much when there is no point. when the facts are laid in alphabetic orders right before your eyes and yet all you want to do is overlook everything. if that is the case why bother looking at the facts in the first place. why cant i get a grip on myself? why cant i stop putting burden on other people? why cant i just grow up? by being matured in love, does it mean that both of you dont have to always talk as long as both of you know that you love each other. is that enough? but how do you know when in the beginning you all dont even talk. suddenly dont see the point in love or life. dont see why people, namely me, have to over think about everything. what happened to being happy with the person who you loves is the only thing that matters? is that even realiable, that thought of just being happy. by just being happy and that nothing else matters is a immature thing. cuz it doesnt exist. love compromises of alot of things and not just happiness. and that day will come when you realise there is no more happiness in your love life, what happens next? what will be the next thing that you can hold on to? memories? what if you have alziemers and forget everything? feelings? feeling fades with time.. so what is it that makes you want to hold on to that ONE relationship? back to top?
Wednesday, May 5, 2010 @ 7:55 PM hate being sick.. back to top?
@ 2:06 PM thinking back that the time when you cared, at the times when everything seemed so real.. it does bother me abit i guess.. cuz right now i have problem differienatiting what is real and what is fake. does wanting a status necessarily means bad? does that make me greedy? selfish? am i selfish by wanting him to be only mine.. by not sharing him with anyone out there.. or does it show that i love him too much for him to leave? still ends with selfishness.. humans are selfish by nature.. right? times when i feel like leaving.. feel like just letting go.. i cant.. feel like just being the old me.. the one who doesnt have the whole world staring at her.. just want to go back to the period in time when i was just invisible.. but that's impossible.. the world is moving and i just gotta learn how to keep up with it.. thinking about how much she matters to you still aches my heart a little.. sometimes it just feels like putting iodine on an open wound.. sometimes a slap on the face.. but most of the time it feels like a lifeless soul within me.. makes me feel that i have lost my conscience, my rights to be a good person.. makes me feel so horrible inside.. a wrecker, a destroyer or whatever you wanna call it.. so why am i still continuing this destroyer's path? materialistic gains? the feeling of showing off? the freshness of a new relationship? or simply just love? is that possible to continue because of the word love? when love is the one thing that doesnt last in this world.. one thing that is so dangerous to hold on to.. is it still possible? back to top?
Sunday, May 2, 2010 @ 11:25 PM tml will be the 1st day without him in my life again.. i dont know how i will ever survive that 24 hrs and counting.. suddenly i feel my world has shattered into a million pieces.. and the screen infront of me is blurring with every word i type.. i dont know what have i done.. i am starting to regret everything i have just said.. but i know there is nthing i can do to take those words back.. there is no turning back.. back to top?
Saturday, May 1, 2010 @ 11:46 PM Incompatible, it don't matter though 'cos someone's bound to hear my cry Speak out if you do You're not easy to find Is it possible Mr. Loveable Is already in my life? Right in front of me Or maybe you're in disguise Who doesn't long for someone to hold Who knows how to love you without being told Somebody tell me why I'm on my own If there's a soulmate for everyone Here we are again, circles never end How do I find the perfect fit There's enough for everyone But I'm still waiting in line Who doesn't long for someone to hold Who knows how to love you without being told Somebody tell me why I'm on my own If there's a soulmate for everyone If there's a soulmate for everyone Most relationships seem so transitory They're all good but not the permanent one Who doesn't long for someone to hold Who knows how to love you without being told Somebody tell me why I'm on my own If there's a soulmate for everyone Who doesn't long for someone to hold Who knows how to love you without being told Somebody tell me why I'm on my own If there's a soulmate for everyone If there's a soulmate for everyone ....................................... so what is a soulmate? A fated person to play a certain role in someone else's life? but how do you find a soul mate.. according to wikiHow, it says.. 1. be the person you would love to love.. then i think to myself.. would i want to love me? hmm.. tough question.. actually no i would not want to love me.. cuz im irritating.. i cant think.. i think too much.. its too mentally draining to be with someone like me.. actually its just tiring to just be me.. 2. rmb that your soulmate might not be what you expect them to be.. 3. be patient... this is something that i can never achieve.. i give up at the slightest stuff.. i give up when i sense no hope.. cuz i am afraid.. afraid of being hurt.. 4. Accept people for who they are, not who you want them to be... hmm.. do i achieve that? not sure.. 5. Weather the storms.. i guess i can do that? not sure.. not much storms before.. so am i ready for a soulmate? back to top?
@ 11:12 PM went out with my lovelies today.. argh.. feet pain.. toe pain.. totally going to throw my pair of heels.. but abit heart pain to throw it away cuz its the only heels i have.. at least must find another pair first.. saw one at pazzio ( is that how u spell it ) but its sooo expensive.. if i buy, 1/4 of my pay cheque will fly along with it.. still considering.. thou its really nice and it does make my legs look longer and thinner.. maybe cuz of what i wear today.. cant believe i look so matured today.. i think i was mad to wear smthing lk that.. but ok la.. once in a while.. hehe.. met hz today at far east.. saw a really nice nice nice nice nice very nice dress.. after discount 42.90.. no money to buy also.. but its really nice. a simple little black dress.. sleeveless with shoulder padding.. but one thing not good is that its short.. hahaha.. its slightly shorter then the one i wore today.. but its really nice.. and special thing is the back.. but anyways.. just bought a bracelet today.. quite nice.. hahha.. anyways went back to the shop i bought the couple ring last time.. still think the designs are special.. haha.. aniways had a longgggg talk with my dear hui zi and guess it time to grow up.. fantasies dont exist in this world, only reality.. and reality is that i am what i am so just have to act like what i am.. its just like dont be a rose when you are just a daisy.. just gotta face reality thats all.. after that went to blue mountain cafe at 313 to meet that ms fly kite (aka ying ).. she was super late and it was super pai seh to sit there and wait for her.. hahah.. but ok la.. the coffee there was not super WOW.. just normal.. but super happy.. finally got the maggie from indonesia.. hehe.. thx ying.. after that wanted to go look for heels but couldnt find any more.. so in the end took train home.. but ended up talking with ying then went to paya lebar to drink coffee bean and chit chat.. had super much fun talking to her.. and make me think alot also.. but it was fun.. and you still owe me ok.. my big abalone and shark fin meal.. by next countdown.. so you can prepare for it le.. wwahahah.. talking about countdown.. i think every year countdown i would count with my one and only yi wei.. heheh.. so yi wei.. this year.. keep it for me also k.. hahaha.. i book u le.. bleh.. then we shall go downtown again n ur hse slpover.. hahaha.. as usual.. been thinking about something lately.. smthing which have been bugging me for sometime already.. but what is the point in thinking when there is no answer? or when you have the ans but dont want to face up to it? then there is no point. and another thing.. why do people still want to walk on that string which has so many loops.. maybe cuz.. the grass is always greener on the other side.. so when the grass becomes dull do you go and look for a greener pasture? or do you stick to that bald patch of field? back to top?