i'm just a simple girl living in this not so simple world. Nothing much to say about me except i love my life, every single day of it. `Life's like a rollercoaster :) *pictures derived from deviantart and sayingimages

haha.. he is finally back.. when i saw him my heart stopped beating.. my chest felt tight and i felt like fainting.. no words could describe what i am feeling inside.. like my desires have finally appeared infront of my after so many days.. STOP!! is that what you were expecthing me to say?? wahahha.. well too bad.. its not.. hahahah..

he is an irritating idiots.. hahah.. he reached at around 9 but only contacted me at around 10.. that 1 hr is soo infuriating.. and when he called.. he said.. " im reaching ur hse in 3 mins.. ok.. bb" like wth.. hahaha.. how am i suppose to react to that.. so of cuz i rushed down la but still exceeded the 3 mins.. haha.. but still miss him like mad, that's still a fact.. even now im missing him.. i dont know why.. just love having him by my side.. too gluey already.. cannot cannot.. must detech myself from the other pea in the pod.. if not i will start to rot as well..

suddenly im thinking my job aint that bad.. at least my boss approves of my leaves.. this shows how insignificant my job is.. babies are coming in.. and for the past 2 days i have been playing with nursery kids.. ok la.. its not that bad.. the kids are cute.. ok.. at least 2/3 are.. but on the 2nd day when i was going home they all say bb to me.. and all so happy and love them to bits n pieces too.. esp the 2 cute ones that i love soo much..

i dont even know why i ask for the leave when the trip is not settled.. haha.. at least if we are not going on the trip then i can cancel my leave.. haha.. we shall see..

missing him already n it has only been like what.. 7 hrs.. im really mad... gotta keep myself busy.. back to top?

back to top?

i know i have been working for just 1 week and its unfair to judge whether the job is suitable or not, but so far this week was crap for me.. what is it with teaching 3-4 mths old babies about texture and stuff.. its not like they will understand.. maybe i just dont understand babies.. honestly i rather take care of the aged cuz they will reply me when i talk to them.. i think it is easier or maybe i just prefer working in hospital environment.. i dont know..

feeling the temptation to quit my job actually.. yes part of it is due to the thailand trip.. i guess it has always been my weakness to travel.. so why arent i in the travel line? i have no idea.. maybe i just like to travel and not make it a routine? the irony in life.. but seriously this nursing job has made me supress the major emotions like grief and compassion.. i no longer have and know how to feel these emotions in my life anymore.. sometimes that just makes me feel like i am a living zombie.. when i see children get hurt due to things that they do i have no compassion in saying "are you ok?" i know im sounding like an asshole.. but i am serious.. i seriously prefer caring for those who needs it.. i know you may say, " but they are only kids, they also need protection and care." true but they have alot of people to care for them unlike those who yearns for love and concern and yet recieves none..

i guess ever since that incident during my prcp i changed alot.. i changed the way that i percieve life.. i no longer take it as seriously but just as it is.. ever since what happened i realised that life is really too short and you have absolutely no idea what the future have installed for you. so rather than living my life in the mopping manner that i use to, i rather just take everything that comes in my direction and learn from it.. cuz from what i know i might be gone tml.. and when i am will i make any difference? everyday someone is born and someone goes.. when will it be my turn i have no idea but all i know is since right now i have the chance to live.. i want to make a difference in someone's life.. do something that at least when i am gone i will be remembered.. not anything big like florence nightingale or ghandi but someone small.. as long as my intentions are known i am happy as i am..

sounds like alot of crap but i guess this was what i was feeling for sometime now and i finally can think straight and just be happy with what i have.. all those things that worries me in my love life.. yes they still come and go and get on my nerves at times but i believe that if its meant to be it will be.. so i guess all i have to do is have a little more faith.. cuz without it.. life is meaningless.. back to top?

today seemed like a bad day.. went to work today and opened up the blinds as usual.. then after that waited for my partner in crime to come b4 washing the containers that were soaked for a day.. think it ended around 10 plus.. after that print stuff, cut stuff, laminate and cut again.. etc etc.. that my work life.. such a bore.. hope the babies start to come in soon, but still when they come i will be stressed cuz the mum will be like staying for 3 days and seeing my each n every move.. stressed!!! had lunch.. not that fantasic.. but the soup is nice.. haha.. but its a free meal so i shall not complain.. then boss asked me to work OT.. dont even noe got extra pay not.. i should you noe.. moving the shelves here and there.. climbing up and down the ladder, pasting this n that, hanging this n that.. tiring manual labor.. luckily there was KFC's egg tarts to tide me over..

after OT decided to take bus back home.. wrong wrong wrong decision.. by the time i reached my hse nearby the bus stop.. it was heavily raining.. flooded above my ankles.. in short i was totally drenched.. it was soo cold, hate rain and wind.. they are a bad combination.. which reminded me of the time after dinner at bebbis and u gave me ur jacket cuz i was cold.. hahah.. u told me that u did that so i would rmb you.. well i do.. and so?? it doesnt help me one bit cuz im missing you and you are not here to shield me from the rain and bad stuff.. not here to protect me.. this shows that to be the woman by ur side.. i cant depend much on you cuz ur never around.. i have to really be there for myself.. but still love it when you care.. back to top?

finally start my new job today.. quite boring cuz its not in operation yet.. so all i did today was climb up and down ladders.. label stuff.. stick stuff and wash this and that.. feel damn like a nanny.. not so tiring but 830 everyday will kill my sleeping routine.. hahaha.. but at least i finish at 1230.. which means time for a new job.. need 2 part time jobs now.. so that at least i will have enough for home and enough for personal use.. if not i donno how in the world im gg to settle the bills.. headache.. and my cousin's bill?? from jan until now.. haven pay.. keep telling me that will pay will pay.. if u will pay how come company no record tt u have paid?? if this keeps going on im just gg to cancel the line.. n pay for everything.. tt beats waiting around each mth thinking if you paid or not..

1 more week.. no more late night msn with you since my job is starting.. going to miss that as well.. hardly any contact.. but oh well.. gotta get used to it sooner or later.. that's why i need one more job.. with more job at least i can distract myself from thinking about you.. yep.. must work hard in not thinking and missing you.. back to top?

back to top?

suddenly a the sinful aura fills the air that i am breathing in.. i know what i am doing is wrong.. what is happening is wrong.. then why am i doing it? why am i believing that things will change?? there is a saying that says.. a real man cleans up one mess before creating another.. sounds true enough to believe.. haha..

should i stay or should i go? should i trust or should i doubt?? i dont know.. actually i do know what i should do.. what is the right thing to do.. but.. maybe im just running from reality.. there is so many things that can happen.. what if it involves the life of someone innocent.. what should i do?? life is not as easy.. its not just i want than thats it.. there are consequences.. if this can happen in one mess.. it can happen in another.. i dont know what the hell im talking about.. its just suddenly there are so many signs that are appearing infront of me telling me to go the right path..

arghh... time time time.. time is never enough.. time is just horrifying.. time is just arghh.. the world never stops turning.. so why do people stop and wait?

aniways.. yst went back to the pub.. miss the people there.. miss man, sharon, aisha.. everyone.. didnt get to see some either.. but oh well.. may visit again.. depending.. dont want to see that bitch.. looking forward to 1st sat of may.. cant wait for it to come.. found a job today.. so im finally and offically EMPLOYED!! hahaha.. calls for a celebration.. wahahha.. its a childcare centre... 8/hr.. ok la.. at least im paid.. nothing to be sad about.. hahaha.. now just praying real hard that my application gets through.. cant wait to start uni life.. campus life.. sound so exciting.. all the ccas to choose from.. maybe sports?? maybe rider's club?? volleyball?? diving?? still must wait until i get accepted first.. if not.. i really gotta find other alternatives.. back to top?

in a few more hours you will be flying off with your next group.. 2nd time today that you rejected my calls.. hmm.. think there will be more to come.. aniways.. just wanted to wish you a safe journey..

wishing for thing that will not happen.. it tiring.. will i still have the energy?? not sure.. back to top?

finally back in singapore.. a place where it seems familiar yet foreign.. finally back to a place where i have to face reality.. there is so much on my mind when i am alone.. when he is not by my side..

thinking about when things will end and when it will start.. thinking about where i stand.. today i met up with babe and her bf.. went from sch to sgh to ttsh.. then he came.. came to meet me at novena.. i was so happy.. when he called.. though it was late.. and everytime my phone ring i was hoping it was him.. when it finally was i cant tell you how happy i was.. even if it was just a simple "hello how are you." i felt bad when he had to send me home due to the heavy rain.. i know it made him late to go m'sia.. sorry love.. make you worry for me.. hope i didnt cause you much trouble.. and thanks for caring for me.. thanks for everything and take care.. sounds familiar?? hahaha..

right now.. i know i sound stupid and no one will pity me if this course changes into an undesirable direction.. maybe i am running from reality.. maybe i am running from the truth that stands infront of me.. will he be mine?? will he go back to where he is suppose to be?? and if he is gone, what will i do?? i really dont know.. all i know is that now i love to be by his side.. love being in his embrace.. love everything about him.. love the way he looks when he is tired and irritated (though sometimes when he tsk me i feel hurt but i understand its not intentional).. i just love being with him.. love superglueing myself to him 24/7 (may irritate u at times also).. even if in the end he is not mine.. at least i had one of the best time in my life..

i know this decision is unrealistic but i dont want to lose you now.. i dont want to lose what i have with you.. i dont want to lose those memories that we had.. the 1st quarrel we had.. the 1st of everything i had with you.. but i also don want to hold on to these alone.. i dont want to hold on to nothing.. i dont want to hold on to empty promises.. eleus see, hercules see.. haha.. i rmb what you say.. i rmb all the things you have told me.. the post arguments.. i rmb..

love.. do you rmb where you are in my heart? back to top?

a few more days.. few more days till i will be back in singapore.. will really miss the times here.. these 20 plus days with him.. will miss them all.. what if we go back and everything changes?? hmm i dont know.. but at least i had the time of my life here..

i was really glad i visited venice.. had been my dream since forever.. to visit venice before it all sinks.. today we visited pisa.. loving him more n more each day.. haha.. at pisa we took pictures of the leaning tower and had expensive food again.. with him we are always eating expensive food.. everytime i see the bill it just breaks my heart.. dont like him to spend so much money.. but to him.. money is for spending.. hmm.. today he bought a bag for me.. so expensive.. heart pain again.. but i really like the bag alot alot alot.. thanks love.. and we bought a couple t.. haha.. so cute..

right now.. im in the hotel alone again while he go drinking wit the group.. haha.. hmm.. also good la.. cuz he needs to bond with them too.. cant be with me 24/7 right.. but all the little things he does like holding me close and kissing my head.. love those little stuff he does..

hmm.. going back in a few more days.. so many things to do.. still thinking should i sign with sgh since now is so late.. or should i just get a part time job.. i need to get my transcript urgently and send it to the uni.. pray really hard that i can get in and start uni.. hmm.. back to top?

yay.. im sooo excited.. today im going to venice.. the place i wanted to go ever since.. the romantic city.. will it be romantic?? hmm.. we shall see.. but either or, im still really glad to have to chance to go overseas.. thanks love..

lub lub.. all the quarrels we had i dont like.. esp that day when you drank.. but i know quarrels are good for us.. i really enjoy being with you and spending almost one month with you.. starting to learn more about you and i really like it.. loved yst when you just hugged me close.. love that feeling of being by your side.. love walking down the streets of milan with our hands interlaced and music in the background.. made me feel as if i was in some movie scene.. love looking at your silly boy face when you see something you like and that smile really warms me up inside.. so far the the regret i had on the trip was yst when i didnt have the time to turn 3 rounds on the bull testicles and make a wish.. but its ok.. there is still the wishing fountain in rome.. lub lub.. if in the future i have the chance again and if you can bring me overseas again i would.. even if it means going back to the same old place again.. cuz i dont want to give up any chance to be by your side.. but if you dont want to bring me back to the same old places.. its ok.. just make sure when you're back try to leave some time for me k?

really cant imagine i am here right now with you.. feel as if i am really living a dream.. the childhood dream of mine to tour the world with the one i love.. anyways..

venice here i come.. please dont disappoint me.. :) back to top?

at the hotel alone.. its 10am here.. lying here on the bed and a train of thoughts are running through my mind again..

talked to a friend today online, told me alot of stuff.. stuff that i have been hearing since the 1st day.. im still listening but its just i dont want to be affected by it.. its hard.. and i know i should not complain or anything.. but its hard with just words.. tired of words.. tired of empty promises in the past.. i dont want to hang on to any of these again.. hoping for things to happen when clearly it wont.. those feeling just sucks

yea i know what type of guy he is.. what type of situation i am in.. how stupid and ridiculously guillible and navie i am to believe everything he tells me.. but today, 4/4/10 only happens once.. today only come once.. and all i know is that i want everyday to have memories.. something that i can rmb as time pass.. though i do not have a superb memory and tend to forget things easily.. but memories are the only thing in life that one can hold on to.. memories wont betray you.. they wont leave you.. they will always be there for you, whether good or bad..

for those who didnt know.. i decided to extend my trip in europe.. part of the reason is cuz of him.. cuz i want to spend more time with him.. cuz i wanna wake up every morning and he is the 1st face i see.. cuz i wanna go to slp every night knowing that i am safe in his arms.. cuz i wanna be part of his world.. part of who he is.. i know i cant do much for him.. i know im not mentally matured enough for him.. but all i know is i just wanna be with him.. for now that is.. i dont know what will happen tml.. i dont know what will happen when we go back singapore.. i donno how i will feel when he travels again.. i dont know will i feel what i feel when he was in china.. i dont know if i will be stoning there waiting for him every single day.. but one thing i know is no matter how stupid this all sounds.. im not regretting a single bit..

maybe when dating an older guy.. they tend to treat you like a little gal.. sometimes its nice.. when they care for you in a way different from dating someone near your age.. things that arent romantic to him means something to me.. like sitting at the cafe out in the cold, looking at the eiffle tower.. the creme brulee after every meals.. the cutting of food for me.. the making sure i had enough of food and treating me like a coat hanger.. these may mean nothing to him.. but it sure means alot to me.. times we spend talking about stupid things and all the things that happen in each other's lives.. thats my favourite.. cuz im feeling im slowly walking into his life.. walking to be part of him..

though i dont know in the end will things be like what he says.. will we have a future.. will we be anything to each other.. i dont know.. maybe im running away from reality.. maybe this is a dream that i dont want it to end.. at least not yet.. i dont wanna wake up.. back to top?

lemons

suddenly these few days have been feeling lemons.. why i also dont know.. back to top?