i'm just a simple girl living in this not so simple world. Nothing much to say about me except i love my life, every single day of it. `Life's like a rollercoaster :) *pictures derived from deviantart and sayingimages

what is love? can someone give me an explaination.. my dad says it is when you tink of someone alot.. then does that mean i love you since u are always the one i tink about no matter what happens.. then how much do i love you? i really dont noe.. do i love you as a fren or as a lover.. i dont noe.. but i noe when i am with u.. i feel the happiest.. maybe it is cuz whenever we go out it is so carefree.. i dont have to tink about anything when i am with you.. because i noe u accept me and care for me because i am me..

but do u noe that loving you is so miserable.. the feeling and hurt i get i have to bear it myself.. i cant tell u for it will just drive u further away.. i noe i told myself many times that i have to stop.. i have to realli stop giving myself excuses and put an end to this.. i am just going to suffer in the future.. maybe you are not suitable for me.. maybe i wun be happy with u.. because to me.. u are the best.. and i dont tink i can pei de shang ni... yea i noe.. low self esteem.. i gotta change.. but its hard.. slowly.. i will change.. no.. i must change.. i must be more confident..

why is it that u noe my feelings for u and i do not noe urs.. why.. why wun u just gif me some hint to clarify.. actually i tink there is no need for that.. i noe deep down inside that u do not like me.. its just that u do not noe how to say.. cuz we have been frens for so long.. and u noe i have like u for so long.. it was when u left me that i realise i could not dont have u.. its very miserable for me to always tink about u.. when i noe deep down inside u dont like me at all.. this single-sided love realli has gotta stop..

after talking to my dad just now.. i donno y.. i just cried.. myabe ts just my dad hit the soft spots.. although my dad doesnt noe him.. my dad could tell that he is not the one for me.. and that is the sad truth that i have to accept.. i got to accept reality.. and it takes alot of courage for me to do that.. but i noe i must.. cuz it is time for me to step out from the pit.. if i dont.. i am just going to fall deeper and deeper until no one, not even myself can get out of it.. honestly.. i dont want to let go.. i dont noe y.. i noe i must but i dont want to.. i want to hold on.. i need to hear those words from him then maybe i will let go.. but will that be too late?? where in the pit will i be when those words come out from ur mouth??

another thing is that i was hospitalised recently for gastritis.. realli stupid.. realli angry wit myself.. cuz of my negligence i cause my parents to fork out so much money.. but becaus of this i realise how much my family cares about me.. i realli love my family alot.. my dad because of me had to wake up early in the morning to come and care for me and leave late at night cuz he is afraid my heartburn will act up again.. even if he does not have enough slp he still make an effort to come so early in the morning.. because he was so afraid that my heartbun will act again.. and he noes that its very painful and he wants to be by my side if that pain comes.. wishing that he can take the pain away from me.. and that day after lunch it acted up again but my dad was not there.. i was tinkin will i die.. and i realli wish i could see my dad for the last time if i did die that time.. i tink he knew i was in pain.. because he showed up... he quickly put down everything and rushed to my side.. holding my hands.. allowing me to clench his hand.. so that i can transfer my pain elsewhere.. patting my back.. trying to ease the pain i am feeling that time.. always doing so much for me because he loves me.. and bcause he cares for me.. and my mama.. cuz of this.. she felt so bad about herself.. and cuz of me.. she just wanted to throw her job aside and come back to be by myself.. and cuz of me she has cried many times.. and when she wrote an email to me telling me how lousy she felt as a mother.. cuz she couldnt be by my side.. realli made me wanna disapper from this world..i feel so unfilial for making life so difficult for my parents.. and i am still angry at myself.. from young.. from the day i was born.. i feel that i have brought nothing to them but trouble and suffering.. i was a prematured baby with alot of problems.. and had to be in and out of the hospital.. but despite the trouble both of u never said anything about it.. because all of u love me.. and i feel very stupid to only realiase how much i mean to both of u.. i always thought that it was bro that u all loved.. but i was wrong.. u both loved us equally.. i am sorry for those hurting words last time.. i feel very touched cuz i finally noe how much i mean to them.. that happiness when i noe that i mean the world to them.. that happiness is realli someting that cannot be described...

papa, mama.. i love u.. thank u soooo much for bringing me into this world and teaching me so much... i realli appreciate what u have done for me.. thank u.. please wait for me to return that happiness and care that u haven given me... i love u.. back to top?

i am super pissed.. from my previous entry.. u all can see there is this old man who was rejected by me right.. i tink its seriously revenge lor.. today i wear sleeveless.. than ok la.. can see the curve of my body.. but its nt cuz of tt than i wear wad.. its cuz today is a sunny day than i wear... and i wear wad ur business meh.. who are u to comment on my body.. no one.. not even a piece of shit..

its fine if u comment.. but don comment infront of me to other ppl and tell ppl that i am worth considering.. pls.. don say it until as if i like u and u must consider me.. pls lo.. seriously.. if i am in ur "consider" list.. do u noe how much insult that is to me.. that is like telling me to marry a shit from toilet bowl.. even the shit from toilet bowl is cleaner than u.. dont mind me for saying.. i bet u have AIDS.. since u're a F&D.. and maybe ur wife is a pros.. sorrie to others who are seeing this and who think i am mean.. he deserves it..

it was U who like me in the beginning.. and U who told me if i dont like u is fine.. it was U who told me those.. and when i told u that i dont like u.. what did u do.. u told me how lousy i am.. and how stubborn i am.. u practically scolded n insulted me cuz i dont wanna be with u.. how desperate can u get.. seriously.. i din even like u or even had any feel for u.. so i tink is u tink too much.. ok.. and realli get it straight I DONT LIKE U.. even if u scolded me n insulted me im ok.. cuz i dont see ani reason for me to be pissed... u're angry n jsut need to ventilate ur angry.. fine.. but dont take it for granted.. dont tink that cuz i dont have a bf im desperate.. and even if i was desperate for a guy.. i definitely wun like u.. u wun even make the rejected list.. cuz u cant even be considered.. why.. 1. cuz of ur age.. pls.. u're as old as my dad of goodness sakes.. 2) u're freaking ugly.. its not im choosy.. u're ugly n old both on the inside n out.. 3) i bet u gt no balls.. n even if u do.. they are probably rotting in progess.. and now its U who is spreading rumors that i like u.. omg.. are u hallucinating.. i bet its the side effect of the drugs u are taking.. and i bet u are probably taking mental medication and maybe viagra too.. since u seem not only impotent.. but also incapable.. hahaha.. that was mean.. haha..

i dont understand y u or people in general have to do these stuff.. spread rumors.. pls.. does it gif u joy to see ppl suffering.. if ur ans is yes.. i got nothing to say.. cuz u are nothing more than an asshole who doesnt deserve to be in this world.. and i tink from what i see and gather.. u dont deserve to be here.. dont tink that all female are F&D just because u met some.. dont tink that ppl are easy to bully just cuz they are small sized.. and dont look down on people just cuz they are weak.. everyone is weak and that is not someting that others should pick on.. cuz that is just too mean and cruel.. and if u really enjoy doing that.. please.. just take a knife and stab urself.. to just benefit others and to just stop people from suffering.. just go n kill urself.. seriously.. u dont deserve to be here..

never in my life have i felt that anione should not be in this world.. this is the first.. and i dont lke this feeling.. it feels horrible.. but i just dont understand why u can do such stuff.. does it really make u happy and gif u joy to see people angry, upset and hurt? i really dont know.. all i know is u better becareful. cuz im definately not one who is easily bullied.. since u have already taken the first step for me to show u what's hell.. i will show u what is hell.. but i hope i dont have to do that.. cuz u will regret.. u will regret that u even know me.. i swear.. now im just trying my best to ignore u cuz i dont want trouble.. so pls.. pls pls.. dont make me take that first step of showing u how hell feels like.. cuz it wun be nice.. back to top?

i dont know if the feelings i have for him are real.. i mean i know that no matter what happens i want him to be there for me.. always by my side.. caring for me and guiding me.. but i know that will only happen if the world is to fall apart.. that is a fact.. he will never feel the same way about me like what he did 5 yrs ago.. its pointless to be ruin by him.. its pointless to be going round n round just cuz the answer is not clear.. or maybe its me making it seem not clear by having illusions that it the dream that i once dreamt of will happen.. aniways.. i guess its time for me to let go.. let go of the memories that we once had.. the memories that left such an impact in my life.. the times when we went to the movies, the bus ride, the phone porriage that we always cook.. once and for all.. im going to let them all go.. im not going to be that girl that cant survive witout u by my side.. no matter how independent u want me to be.. u gotta understand i cant.. its my prob that i cant.. so pls stop forcing me.. its realli making me feel very horrible.. so i apologize to u (if u do see this).. im sorry that i chose to forget all the memories that we once created.. but in order for me to step out of my shell and find my true happiness... one that does not require u.. i have no choice but to delete u from my memories..


ps.. sorrie to those who do not understand this post.. some of my frens understand wad is going on.. and i wanna thx those who do.. i know u wun approve of my decision.. but i have no choice.. sorrie.. back to top?